theres no sound going into my ears anymore- i cant hear anything. my head hurts and my eyes are twitchy. i didnt sleep at all last night...and 2 more hours until my next exam.
3 down, 2 more to go. wish me luck cuz ill need it plenty.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
i dont know why i havent been able to study since my accy exam. i keep getting distracted with talking to people. yesterday i had this amazing conversation with my roommate from 5 years go (when i went to chamber camp in positano italy).
talking to her is like talking to myself - only get sent to a hospital for being a crazy.
we talked about so many things, school, boyfriends, music, movies...it was refreshing. im hoping that ill get to see her this summer, FINALLY i havent seen her since i left SFCM.
we started showing each other pictures, and then i ended up looking through all my old pictures of high school and then freshman year in college. and you know what? michael is so beautiful. sometimes i forget how gorgeous he is.
i probably sat there for an hour or so just looking at pictures of him and it made me miss him so much. i miss touching his face, i miss the warmth of his hands, i miss the idiotic way he smiles when hes trying to be cute...i miss the way he hugs me and makes all the ugly things plaguing my mind go away. and then i remembered how in high school we used to read shakespeare to each other over the phone, how i used to be so excited to go to school just so i could see him again...
i miss him, and i hate being away from him.
when i was younger, i had in my mind this idea of what my first love would be. he was going to be romantic, he was going to do all of these cute things for me, make me elaborate gifts, and he was going to sit up with me and cry when i was sad.
michael isnt like that. he never really was. and when i was younger, i used to get mad, throw those hissy little girl fits that makes every guy in the world hate women.
i know most people will agree with me when i say that long distance relationships suck. but the one thing that i like about it, is that it made me realise how much he really loves me.
i remember this one time he forgot when my birthday was, and it bothered me for a long time. what made me feel better was when i realised all the other little stuff he does for me.
when i used to cry because my parents and i were fighting, he would always take me in at 2 in the morning when everyone else was sleeping. and when i wanted to go home, he would insist on driving me the 3 minutes home, just to make sure that i was home safe. when it was cold and raining and i wasnt wearing enough, he always gave me his sweaters and held onto me as we were walking home, making sure i was warm enough even though the next day he would be coughing up phlegm and sniffing facefuls of snot. i remember he would always be so excited to come home from school so that we could sit at his computer and play videogames and watch movies. i remember how happy he was when i taught him piano and how excited he would be coming back and telling me how well he did during his
lessons. we used to run together during the summer, and come home and camp around his ac vent because it would be so hot. and then afterwards he would take me to country inn on saratoga ave. where we'd eat blueberry pancakes with mayple syrup. i remember when college first started, i was really paranoid about him meeting pretty girls in texas. but then all of his friends started friending me on facebook, and this really cute girl that he had been telling me about messaged me and told me that she had had dinner with my boyfriend and a few of his friends and he didnt stop telling them about me. and so the first time i talked to them they already knew all these random things about me. and it made me worry so much less.
i remember how when we came home for breaks, we would cruise around and night singing to the killers at the top of our lungs. and everytime we looked at each other hed have the biggest goofiest grin on his face. he sings completely off key, but he looks so happy doing it, its wonderful to listen to. and i love how he tries to teach me all the things hes into. ive ended up playing halo with him (badly), wow, magic cards, and poker. and it doesnt bother me when he plays because i love hearing him talk about soething he really enjoys. his eyes light up and he starts talking really fast, and his smile gets bigger and bigger. its adorable.
ive been with him for almost four years, and never once has he ever pressured me to do things that i dont want to do. and i know that we fight sometimes, as everybody does in a relationship, but still, i love being with him. hes amazing, and i wont delude myself into thinking that well be together forever or anything, but i do hope that well be together for a long time, because i really enjoy being with him, and he makes me happy the way no one else can. and i know that im really lucky to have him reciprocate what i feel. so when i say i love him, i know i really do.
talking to her is like talking to myself - only get sent to a hospital for being a crazy.
we talked about so many things, school, boyfriends, music, movies...it was refreshing. im hoping that ill get to see her this summer, FINALLY i havent seen her since i left SFCM.
we started showing each other pictures, and then i ended up looking through all my old pictures of high school and then freshman year in college. and you know what? michael is so beautiful. sometimes i forget how gorgeous he is.
i probably sat there for an hour or so just looking at pictures of him and it made me miss him so much. i miss touching his face, i miss the warmth of his hands, i miss the idiotic way he smiles when hes trying to be cute...i miss the way he hugs me and makes all the ugly things plaguing my mind go away. and then i remembered how in high school we used to read shakespeare to each other over the phone, how i used to be so excited to go to school just so i could see him again...
i miss him, and i hate being away from him.when i was younger, i had in my mind this idea of what my first love would be. he was going to be romantic, he was going to do all of these cute things for me, make me elaborate gifts, and he was going to sit up with me and cry when i was sad.
michael isnt like that. he never really was. and when i was younger, i used to get mad, throw those hissy little girl fits that makes every guy in the world hate women.
i know most people will agree with me when i say that long distance relationships suck. but the one thing that i like about it, is that it made me realise how much he really loves me.
i remember this one time he forgot when my birthday was, and it bothered me for a long time. what made me feel better was when i realised all the other little stuff he does for me.
when i used to cry because my parents and i were fighting, he would always take me in at 2 in the morning when everyone else was sleeping. and when i wanted to go home, he would insist on driving me the 3 minutes home, just to make sure that i was home safe. when it was cold and raining and i wasnt wearing enough, he always gave me his sweaters and held onto me as we were walking home, making sure i was warm enough even though the next day he would be coughing up phlegm and sniffing facefuls of snot. i remember he would always be so excited to come home from school so that we could sit at his computer and play videogames and watch movies. i remember how happy he was when i taught him piano and how excited he would be coming back and telling me how well he did during his
lessons. we used to run together during the summer, and come home and camp around his ac vent because it would be so hot. and then afterwards he would take me to country inn on saratoga ave. where we'd eat blueberry pancakes with mayple syrup. i remember when college first started, i was really paranoid about him meeting pretty girls in texas. but then all of his friends started friending me on facebook, and this really cute girl that he had been telling me about messaged me and told me that she had had dinner with my boyfriend and a few of his friends and he didnt stop telling them about me. and so the first time i talked to them they already knew all these random things about me. and it made me worry so much less. 
i remember how when we came home for breaks, we would cruise around and night singing to the killers at the top of our lungs. and everytime we looked at each other hed have the biggest goofiest grin on his face. he sings completely off key, but he looks so happy doing it, its wonderful to listen to. and i love how he tries to teach me all the things hes into. ive ended up playing halo with him (badly), wow, magic cards, and poker. and it doesnt bother me when he plays because i love hearing him talk about soething he really enjoys. his eyes light up and he starts talking really fast, and his smile gets bigger and bigger. its adorable.ive been with him for almost four years, and never once has he ever pressured me to do things that i dont want to do. and i know that we fight sometimes, as everybody does in a relationship, but still, i love being with him. hes amazing, and i wont delude myself into thinking that well be together forever or anything, but i do hope that well be together for a long time, because i really enjoy being with him, and he makes me happy the way no one else can. and i know that im really lucky to have him reciprocate what i feel. so when i say i love him, i know i really do.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
2 down and 3 more to go.
so today i woke up at around 2 in the morning - afternoon, whatever - (after sleeping for 12 hours. maybe more. i know, im such a bear!! but to be fair, i didnt sleep the night before and was awake for about 30+ hours. ) and had lunch with barb at this adorable little crepe cafe on 4th and green that we discovered. i didnt take pictures of our delicious lunch cuz i forgot my camera, but its worth going to again, and ill put up pictures then.
i pretty much wasted my entire day, but i did get one thing out of it - a mini concert from the best roommate ever <3 haha enjoy.
so today i woke up at around 2 in the morning - afternoon, whatever - (after sleeping for 12 hours. maybe more. i know, im such a bear!! but to be fair, i didnt sleep the night before and was awake for about 30+ hours. ) and had lunch with barb at this adorable little crepe cafe on 4th and green that we discovered. i didnt take pictures of our delicious lunch cuz i forgot my camera, but its worth going to again, and ill put up pictures then.
i pretty much wasted my entire day, but i did get one thing out of it - a mini concert from the best roommate ever <3 haha enjoy.
Friday, May 4, 2007
i found this old bit of convo with potato. i love him he makes me smile like no other.
TOPlex: joanne
TOPlex: i love you more than life itself
TOPlex: but you are so far away
TOPlex: it would be most wonderful if we got into some sort of freak accident
TOPlex: where are bodies are so mangled and twisted
TOPlex: that the only way for us to survive would be for us to be sewn together
TOPlex: and then we could spend all our lives together
TOPlex: forever and ever
Thursday, May 3, 2007
i really love the graffitti in downtown austin. it really gives the city colour and personality.
theres this little chapel on guadalupe and 21st, that always has a few bums sitting on its steps. what really creeps me out though, is that everytime ive walked past those steps, theres this girl who just sits there. she really stands out with her clean pink dress. and she always wears really thick white powder on her arms and her face - its really obvious as i think shes naturally 5 shades darker than that powder she tosses on herself. she wears these white tights on her legs, and pink shoes too. her hair is blonde, but i dont think naturally so, and she always has a pink rose, that im guessing she changes everyday because i havent seen it wilted yet. its kind of creepy. its like shes wearing a halloween costume in the middle of the year.
i dont think she says much either. i havent seen her ever converse with the people that share that step with her. what creeps me out the most though, is probably when i see her at nighttime. its so dark and dingy, guadalupe. and she looks like she glows.
i wish i had a picture to show you.
sometimes she sits there alone, her back hunched over and her elbows tucked into her, holding that pink flower. the first time i saw her was probably early this year in august or september, and i think at the time, i just assumed she was in theatre or was a dancer or something that had befriended the homeless people that sit there and ask every passerby for change. she didnt really start to strike me as strange till spring break this year, when id see her on a daily basis sitting there with the same outfit - it always strikes me as strange that her outfit is so clean too. everything around her is so dirty and brown, and it makes her seem that much more out of place - always holding a flower. its the kind of outfit that a little girl in elementary school might wear to a dance recital or for halloween, but from the looks of it this girl has to be at least 16.
i realise that its pointless to talk about her unless you actually see her, but ive never really written about her before. ive never really told anyone about how weird i thought she was except for once when i mentioned in passing to michael about the girl that just sits there in the pink dress and i asked him if hed ever seen her. and he told me hed never really noticed.
i guess maybe i just notice strange things. or maybe she just extra weirded me out that day because i had just walked out of seeing pans labyrinth at dobie theatre (which was amazing by the way) in any case... theres a weird girl that sits on the chapel steps on guadalupe and 21st and i see her every time im in town.
on another note, i have an exam tomorrow, which i loathe to think about. barb says i was pissy last night which i suppose i was a bit, and i feel kind of bad about it because i guess im not being a very good roommate/friend. yeah honestly, i dont know what it is either.
anyways im just taking a break from studying which ive been doing since 10 am or so (its about 1 pm) so i suppose its just cuz im majorly stressing out. plus this music is making me all contemplative. leave it to saint saens to bring out my inner torment, ha ha.
i wonder if i have a competitive complex which makes me dislike a lot of people. or just makes me irritated very easily. or maybe its just this damn music. i listen to this stuff whenever i do some hardcore studying, and really i can hear his frustration with whatever it is thats on his mind. Its like hes screaming in the middle of the street. its agonizing. (or maybe im crazy and no one else can hear the torment that i hear?)
you know how people say classical music is beautiful and soothing and hwat not. i dotn know if its just the composers that i listen to or the particular pieces that i listen to, but rarely do i find it soothing. its beautiful but only because you can hear this aggression in the music no matter how slight it is. like in beethovens pathetique? he sounds like hes drilling something. like hes angrily poking the keys. its like how i type when im pissed. sending out little shocks of anger at whatever my fingers can poke at. bam bam bam. and then he calms down and it gets all soft. its like that feeling you get when youve been crying hysterically, and you take a deep breath and it all goes away for jsut a second before the second wave hits. its really obvious in prokofiev's montagues and capulets. oh wow that piece starts off angrily. i suppose given the name, its supposed to be so. still, that piece is filled with so much turmoil and angst.
you know what? i miss the piano whenever i get into my odd thinking moods. i miss touching the keys and i miss making the sounds that im making.
i remember this one time i was playing the grande valse and i started to cry. (and then meikui hit me cuz it was in the middle of a lesson and she said it was rude. which i suppose it was?)
i miss home. i want to be home right now. i wish summer would be here sooner. 10 more days till school ends. 10 more of the longest fucking days ever. 10 more days 4 more exams.
i wish schoolwork didnt require so much damn work.
theres this little chapel on guadalupe and 21st, that always has a few bums sitting on its steps. what really creeps me out though, is that everytime ive walked past those steps, theres this girl who just sits there. she really stands out with her clean pink dress. and she always wears really thick white powder on her arms and her face - its really obvious as i think shes naturally 5 shades darker than that powder she tosses on herself. she wears these white tights on her legs, and pink shoes too. her hair is blonde, but i dont think naturally so, and she always has a pink rose, that im guessing she changes everyday because i havent seen it wilted yet. its kind of creepy. its like shes wearing a halloween costume in the middle of the year.i dont think she says much either. i havent seen her ever converse with the people that share that step with her. what creeps me out the most though, is probably when i see her at nighttime. its so dark and dingy, guadalupe. and she looks like she glows.
i wish i had a picture to show you.
sometimes she sits there alone, her back hunched over and her elbows tucked into her, holding that pink flower. the first time i saw her was probably early this year in august or september, and i think at the time, i just assumed she was in theatre or was a dancer or something that had befriended the homeless people that sit there and ask every passerby for change. she didnt really start to strike me as strange till spring break this year, when id see her on a daily basis sitting there with the same outfit - it always strikes me as strange that her outfit is so clean too. everything around her is so dirty and brown, and it makes her seem that much more out of place - always holding a flower. its the kind of outfit that a little girl in elementary school might wear to a dance recital or for halloween, but from the looks of it this girl has to be at least 16.
i realise that its pointless to talk about her unless you actually see her, but ive never really written about her before. ive never really told anyone about how weird i thought she was except for once when i mentioned in passing to michael about the girl that just sits there in the pink dress and i asked him if hed ever seen her. and he told me hed never really noticed.
i guess maybe i just notice strange things. or maybe she just extra weirded me out that day because i had just walked out of seeing pans labyrinth at dobie theatre (which was amazing by the way) in any case... theres a weird girl that sits on the chapel steps on guadalupe and 21st and i see her every time im in town.
on another note, i have an exam tomorrow, which i loathe to think about. barb says i was pissy last night which i suppose i was a bit, and i feel kind of bad about it because i guess im not being a very good roommate/friend. yeah honestly, i dont know what it is either.
anyways im just taking a break from studying which ive been doing since 10 am or so (its about 1 pm) so i suppose its just cuz im majorly stressing out. plus this music is making me all contemplative. leave it to saint saens to bring out my inner torment, ha ha.
i wonder if i have a competitive complex which makes me dislike a lot of people. or just makes me irritated very easily. or maybe its just this damn music. i listen to this stuff whenever i do some hardcore studying, and really i can hear his frustration with whatever it is thats on his mind. Its like hes screaming in the middle of the street. its agonizing. (or maybe im crazy and no one else can hear the torment that i hear?)
you know how people say classical music is beautiful and soothing and hwat not. i dotn know if its just the composers that i listen to or the particular pieces that i listen to, but rarely do i find it soothing. its beautiful but only because you can hear this aggression in the music no matter how slight it is. like in beethovens pathetique? he sounds like hes drilling something. like hes angrily poking the keys. its like how i type when im pissed. sending out little shocks of anger at whatever my fingers can poke at. bam bam bam. and then he calms down and it gets all soft. its like that feeling you get when youve been crying hysterically, and you take a deep breath and it all goes away for jsut a second before the second wave hits. its really obvious in prokofiev's montagues and capulets. oh wow that piece starts off angrily. i suppose given the name, its supposed to be so. still, that piece is filled with so much turmoil and angst.
you know what? i miss the piano whenever i get into my odd thinking moods. i miss touching the keys and i miss making the sounds that im making.
i remember this one time i was playing the grande valse and i started to cry. (and then meikui hit me cuz it was in the middle of a lesson and she said it was rude. which i suppose it was?)
i miss home. i want to be home right now. i wish summer would be here sooner. 10 more days till school ends. 10 more of the longest fucking days ever. 10 more days 4 more exams.
i wish schoolwork didnt require so much damn work.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
its 4 in the morning and i should be sleeping but i cant because theres a couple fighting outside. i cant tell if shes drunk or not, but shes hysterical. i can hear her running away from him, and hell chase after her, and then go "dina calm the fuck down. this is why!! youre such a maniac."
"dont you care about me? you woudlnt be doing this if you werent angry. please talk to me."
it sounds like me doenst it? with the begging, the crying. its so pathetic and so surreal.
sometimes i think about the way i react to everything - with so much emotion, and it makes me cringe. i wish i wasnt so transparent, i just dont react to sadness very well.
according to this book im reading, from an evolutionary perspective, sadness should be an adaptive trait as it stops us from doing things that hurt us, or caused us loss.
i dont know if this makes me sound like a depressed nutjob, but i disagree because i think most of the time, im always a bit sad. it may be because i think too much, and well, you know how that gets.
whenever i have idle time, im always psychoanalyzing my life, the things i do, the friends i have, the friends i dont have, the things i wish i could do...the list goes on and on.
this is a really really boring, pointless first entry, but other than finals, nothing is going on in my life. which i guess would account for the angst.
ive been really on edge lately - this past month has just been a rollercoaster. between exams, and papers, presentations and more exams, there was a boyfriend dumping me, a dad being mad at me, being in debt, and a bunch of other fun fun stuff.
BUT, summer is coming, and if i dont fail all my finals, its something to look forward to.
i promise im not a crazy.
and i promise im actually kind of fun.
"dont you care about me? you woudlnt be doing this if you werent angry. please talk to me."
it sounds like me doenst it? with the begging, the crying. its so pathetic and so surreal.
sometimes i think about the way i react to everything - with so much emotion, and it makes me cringe. i wish i wasnt so transparent, i just dont react to sadness very well.
according to this book im reading, from an evolutionary perspective, sadness should be an adaptive trait as it stops us from doing things that hurt us, or caused us loss.
i dont know if this makes me sound like a depressed nutjob, but i disagree because i think most of the time, im always a bit sad. it may be because i think too much, and well, you know how that gets.
whenever i have idle time, im always psychoanalyzing my life, the things i do, the friends i have, the friends i dont have, the things i wish i could do...the list goes on and on.
this is a really really boring, pointless first entry, but other than finals, nothing is going on in my life. which i guess would account for the angst.
ive been really on edge lately - this past month has just been a rollercoaster. between exams, and papers, presentations and more exams, there was a boyfriend dumping me, a dad being mad at me, being in debt, and a bunch of other fun fun stuff.
BUT, summer is coming, and if i dont fail all my finals, its something to look forward to.
i promise im not a crazy.
and i promise im actually kind of fun.
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