As fun as today was, it made me realise how insanely out of shape I am.  While of course, E is training for a half-marathon next month, the fact that I used to be faster than him combined with how badly he smoked me today makes me realise that I really have to get back into running. 

Running regularly.  

Tomorrow, brother and I are Portland-bound.  I'm excited, nervous, and know I'm going to miss him much. 

This is Obi.

...and I love her smelly little face to pieces.

She has a boy's name because sadly, apparently, I cannot tell the difference between male and female puppies. 

okay. I know I've been obsessing about it in the past few months, and because much of my attention sits there, I end up talking about it too much openly, and I'm sure it gets annoying.

So here is my pledge. I will no longer talk about it. NO MORE.

I am now a clam.

May is going to be my month.

I've been crying out for changes in my life for so long...and its really time that I do something.

So here's to self-discipline and mental strength.

No more fear.

Today, I woke up late and powered the trip to work.

I walk much more quickly than I thought!

Peered groggily through my red-framed glasses as I double fisted coffee and tea all morning.

Handled an annoying (but necessary) call with a show producer and Conde Nast digital by myself and felt damn proud of it when he said I did a great job.

Left work a little early and had dinner with broseph in North Beach.

Zereshk Polo and Faloodeh- yum!

After dinner, watched Date Night with E,C,V and Jeffrey while lounging in ergonomic chairs.

Walked down to Market St., and in the frigid cold, encountered a friendly lady at the Powell Bart Station with a dime to spare.

Called Cy for goodnight blessings.

Engaged in a 30 minute conversation hypothesizing the origin of a line of copy in a TV :30s spot, that concluded our call.

Life is good.

You know what my problem is with you? Its that you don't really have a sense of how your own actions affect other people, yet you expect everyone else to be empathetic of whatever you have spinning around in your head.

Maybe you really were dealt a bad hand- it isn't your fault, but it isn't mine either. Everyone has a limit you know, and there was a period of time where I made excuses for your random bitchiness towards me. Now, whenever you yell at me/people...I just think you're crazy. We all just stare at you and go about whatever we were doing before, because in a matter of hours, days, you'll traverse the sine wave of your mood swings once again.

And you wonder why we aren't close.

You are nearly impossible to talk to.

I love you; I can't stand you.

I have serious buyer's remorse.

I don't want to move and am stressing about it.

I have been phlegmy!

Its like 101 northbound traffic (during rush hour) - but in my face!

I can't wait for Thanksgiving- days off work, yummy food in my belly, and lots of (daytime) road-runs.

Now that I've officially signed up, I can't back out last minute. Excited (and scared) for race day; fingers crossed for no ankle twists or sprains/strains in the meantime.

Run run run through the rain rain rain.

On a separate note, I went on a baking spree last weekend-for the second weekend in a row-and made a whole bunch of random dessert. Practise!- for holiday treats!

Had dinner tonight with new friends (and future roommate!) in North Beach after work.
Dinner started around 6:30pm and ended almost at 11pm.
That's how you know you've had good company.

Girl's night out this weekend; I am so excited!

Today, at 7:30am I decided to give lethargy a swift kick in the butt; I showered, combed my hair, and wore my favourite silver shoes to work. (They make me feel pretty!)

I had a big, filling breakfast, and listened to ABBA while I worked. I wasn't able to sing-a-long because among other reasons, I sound horrible, but I did bob around a lot at my desk. Super troupers like you wouldn't believe; my mother does not know.

It was beautiful outside today, and I love that I now sit next to windows so I can enjoy it. I also don't sit under an A/C vent anymore- I like it when I can feel my fingers.

Tonight's run with N and G was pushed back till tomorrow, so S and I got dinner instead. Our waiter was cute, the food was delicious, and the conversation was wonderful.
My risotto was cheesy and purple- just how I like it!

"Really? Paper? Who does that?!"

I feel so happy.

Its raining. I'm debating whether or not I ought to run despite it.

Good news: the pressure behind my eyes has lifted a bit. Where it was once a 4 on a pain-scale of 10 its not sitting at an on-and-off 2. I can deal with that.

Bad news: the lethargy is still hanging around me. I think it has separation anxiety.

H came up Friday evening to see me, and we ended up grabbing dinner with a few other friends before heading back to my apartment for a night of beer, oranges, chips and colouring books. Have I ever told you how much I like crayons? I love crayons. I like the sound that crayons make as they make vigorous contact with paper, and that sharp stickiness they make when you lift your arm up for a quick break.

I have a box of 64 of them that came with a built-in sharpener and they make me happy.

The next morning, H and I trekked out to Tartine Bakery in the Mission for breakfast; its a place she had been itching to try out for a while after having seen a cookbook of theirs. I had an almond croissant pastry of some sort and it was delicious (I know, my not having the fancy French name down doesnt give the pastry enough justice) .

Even at 9 am, the line was out-the-door. We were lucky and got there before the brunch wave hit- meaning: we were able to find tables to sit down at while we breakfast-ed away.

Yums in my tums.

Weird weather; its been mid-70s in San Francisco all week.

I have been battling a dull headache and extreme lethargy for the past few days- I keep waking up in the mornings feeling exhausted -it wasn't bad at first, but the pressure behind my eyes has been getting to me more so than the discomfort in my head. I thought that it might be my extensive daily contact-wearing and extended computer-use, so I went out and got (red-framed) glasses.

I am not as cute as her.

I've been sleeping all day today; I hope the eye-rest makes it all better.

Highlights since I've last written include turning 23, Half Dome, discovering Jordanian food, Flaming Lips, first SC2 game (which I won), Vegas, geo-caching, and lots and lots of sporting events.

Cy is on a plane right now heading towards Asia from New York.

I don't know why I miss him so much; I have definitely gone longer than 2 weeks without seeing him. I think its more that I know he's physically far away, my head hurts, and I want a big hug from a fuzzy bear to make me feel better. I wish the doctor knew definitively what it was so that I could pop some pills and make the ache go away. I am convinced that I'd rather be dealing with acute pain for a shorter period of time than this slow aching tension on my temples that has decided to be best friends with me....grass is always greener, right?

I sound depressed. I'm not. Just achy, and having lots of restless sleep. I can see though, how dealing with long-term "manageable" pain can make someone cranky. Its only been 4 days and I am wearing matching complain-y pants and socks.

From less bothersome times...

I haven’t written again in a long while. I wonder if I should invest in a typewriter at home; would the novelty of it make me write more often?

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately…and I think there are a lot of things that I am not really that happy with. Now that things at home have calmed down somewhat, I feel sort of focused on myself once more, and I realize that I am very unhappy with my non-commitment to my hobbies. I worry that working has made me a bland person as it leaves me with little time to do anything else.

My writing really has taken a backseat, and since my reading isn’t really as productive as I’d like…I feel as if my grip on the English language is waning. My sentences are now littered with advertising industry jargon that doesn’t make sense to anyone outside of this circle. Sometimes I feel like I exist in a hole. I spend so much of my waking time if not at work, thinking about, stressing about, talking about work; its maddening.

I finally finished When a Gene Makes You Smell like a Fish, and honestly, it was a pretty good read, for something that isn’t written as a narrative. I’m working on reading more text that contains factual information though, just to switch it up. I think it would help my expos skill a lot, we can re-vamp creative writing once I fix my expos to at least where it was in college. I stole a book on the history of World War One from home, and it looks like a hefty but interesting read (and I generally do well with history b/c its by nature narrative), so I’m pretty excited. I shall start today while on the bikes at the gym.


My routine daily has been work, gym, sleep- not necessarily in that order. The only people I see now are really Cy, Babs and family. It bothers me. I kind of wish that my work world would somehow collide (with restrictions) with my personal world but for the most part, they remain mostly separate.

I really ought to make more of an effort to socialize at work with people at work.

I feel sort of bummed out today for no big reason in particular…which I suppose is better than if there were a bunch of big clouds mucking up my troposphere.

1. I lost the Zen that Jeffrey gave me hella ages ago; it doesn’t bother me as much from a monetary perspective, but I liked the thing and it was a nice gift. I had no qualms about the player. That and I tend to get attached to objects when there is an element of sentimentality involved. Dislike.

2. My earbuds are fucked up. It only emits sound from one ear…which bothers me a lot. It’s a strange sound distribution that is more jarring than it probably sounds.

3. I have been eating a lot again this week; I hate that I am now one that struggles with weight and body image issues as I am inconveniently being self conscious about a relationship. I don’t even care about the absolute weight, I just want to get rid of the extra meat that hangs off of me. I want to fit into my clothes well again, and feel somewhat confident about my body again. I refuse to admit defeat by buying larger clothing. I don’t even care how horribly self-depricating and not-confident that sounds.

4. We are weird. And while I know that we are different and so by default there are bound to be misalignments in how we approach and view situations, I feel as though he and I are on polar ends of a spectrum. I mean, and I were different too, but I don’t think our approach and takes on life were on completely separate. Maybe different pages- chapters even…but never a wholly different book. That said, I realize that I am in a bad situation when it comes to him as I like him an inordinate amount given how short a time we’ve known each other and given how relatively little time we spend together. He was really angry with me on Saturday and when we talked about it after seeing each other in person, I found myself almost crying out of fear. I don't ever cry, and I dislike it.


I hate feeling so insecure.

I have been a witch the past two days
and I know that my outlook really must change
before my mental sanity frays.
I feel shame in letting it crawl under my skin
...so here's to building character, ftw.