I haven’t written again in a long while. I wonder if I should invest in a typewriter at home; would the novelty of it make me write more often?

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately…and I think there are a lot of things that I am not really that happy with. Now that things at home have calmed down somewhat, I feel sort of focused on myself once more, and I realize that I am very unhappy with my non-commitment to my hobbies. I worry that working has made me a bland person as it leaves me with little time to do anything else.

My writing really has taken a backseat, and since my reading isn’t really as productive as I’d like…I feel as if my grip on the English language is waning. My sentences are now littered with advertising industry jargon that doesn’t make sense to anyone outside of this circle. Sometimes I feel like I exist in a hole. I spend so much of my waking time if not at work, thinking about, stressing about, talking about work; its maddening.

I finally finished When a Gene Makes You Smell like a Fish, and honestly, it was a pretty good read, for something that isn’t written as a narrative. I’m working on reading more text that contains factual information though, just to switch it up. I think it would help my expos skill a lot, we can re-vamp creative writing once I fix my expos to at least where it was in college. I stole a book on the history of World War One from home, and it looks like a hefty but interesting read (and I generally do well with history b/c its by nature narrative), so I’m pretty excited. I shall start today while on the bikes at the gym.


My routine daily has been work, gym, sleep- not necessarily in that order. The only people I see now are really Cy, Babs and family. It bothers me. I kind of wish that my work world would somehow collide (with restrictions) with my personal world but for the most part, they remain mostly separate.

I really ought to make more of an effort to socialize at work with people at work.

I feel sort of bummed out today for no big reason in particular…which I suppose is better than if there were a bunch of big clouds mucking up my troposphere.

1. I lost the Zen that Jeffrey gave me hella ages ago; it doesn’t bother me as much from a monetary perspective, but I liked the thing and it was a nice gift. I had no qualms about the player. That and I tend to get attached to objects when there is an element of sentimentality involved. Dislike.

2. My earbuds are fucked up. It only emits sound from one ear…which bothers me a lot. It’s a strange sound distribution that is more jarring than it probably sounds.

3. I have been eating a lot again this week; I hate that I am now one that struggles with weight and body image issues as I am inconveniently being self conscious about a relationship. I don’t even care about the absolute weight, I just want to get rid of the extra meat that hangs off of me. I want to fit into my clothes well again, and feel somewhat confident about my body again. I refuse to admit defeat by buying larger clothing. I don’t even care how horribly self-depricating and not-confident that sounds.

4. We are weird. And while I know that we are different and so by default there are bound to be misalignments in how we approach and view situations, I feel as though he and I are on polar ends of a spectrum. I mean, and I were different too, but I don’t think our approach and takes on life were on completely separate. Maybe different pages- chapters even…but never a wholly different book. That said, I realize that I am in a bad situation when it comes to him as I like him an inordinate amount given how short a time we’ve known each other and given how relatively little time we spend together. He was really angry with me on Saturday and when we talked about it after seeing each other in person, I found myself almost crying out of fear. I don't ever cry, and I dislike it.


I hate feeling so insecure.