I'm going to be frank: I am terribly afraid.

I am scared that I will mismanage, miscalculate.

I am scared that I will misplace my rational mind and end up wearing the hat of the man next door who makes emotionally charged rash decisions.

I am scared that I will screw up in some way, shape or form, my the entirety of my life.

...and here is where the fear evolves; I am scared that the people that I count on to love me don't.

I am scared that in the end I will be a solitary grey pixel swimming among a raster of yellows, reds and oranges.

What if I turn out to be a dispensable liability to my team?

What if I get fired?

What if I cannot make rent?

What if I end up jobless, homeless with no-where to go?

I had a conversation yesterday with one of my superiors who thought she saw a cloud of "dejection" (her word) hanging around my troposphere. My uncertainty of her diction notwithstanding, I do sometimes feel- in the most economic sense of the word- underemployed. And while I realise that a large part of it is due to my lack of experience, dissonance rings loudly in my ears when I see a project that I started on, slip further away from me the more life it breathes.

Its like involuntarily letting go of the string on my big red balloon.

I have never been one to take a back seat when it comes to workload. I've always picked up slack where others didn't carry their weight and enjoyed the hell out of the self-satisfaction that followed...and so I hate moments when the rest of the team is chaotically busy and I sit idly on the side marinating in the desire to contribute.

The idea of a contrapuntal team is so romantic...and I hate my inability to help my team during crunch time.