I once heard that bad things come in 3s.

...deep breath.

I'm going to be frank: I am terribly afraid.

I am scared that I will mismanage, miscalculate.

I am scared that I will misplace my rational mind and end up wearing the hat of the man next door who makes emotionally charged rash decisions.

I am scared that I will screw up in some way, shape or form, my the entirety of my life.

...and here is where the fear evolves; I am scared that the people that I count on to love me don't.

I am scared that in the end I will be a solitary grey pixel swimming among a raster of yellows, reds and oranges.

What if I turn out to be a dispensable liability to my team?

What if I get fired?

What if I cannot make rent?

What if I end up jobless, homeless with no-where to go?

I had a conversation yesterday with one of my superiors who thought she saw a cloud of "dejection" (her word) hanging around my troposphere. My uncertainty of her diction notwithstanding, I do sometimes feel- in the most economic sense of the word- underemployed. And while I realise that a large part of it is due to my lack of experience, dissonance rings loudly in my ears when I see a project that I started on, slip further away from me the more life it breathes.

Its like involuntarily letting go of the string on my big red balloon.

I have never been one to take a back seat when it comes to workload. I've always picked up slack where others didn't carry their weight and enjoyed the hell out of the self-satisfaction that followed...and so I hate moments when the rest of the team is chaotically busy and I sit idly on the side marinating in the desire to contribute.

The idea of a contrapuntal team is so romantic...and I hate my inability to help my team during crunch time.

Two things:

1)I really like granola bars.

2)I had a really good day today.

Last night was my first in my new place in the city. Woke up at 8am to some unexpected sunshine, dawdled in bed for a bit, left the house at 20 and made it to work around 45. I'm not going to lie, it was a great way to start off my day.

Work went by pretty quickly as well; I felt productive and at equilibrium- crossing off, at the same pace, the steady stream of activity filling into my queue.

I also got a silly text from my stranger that gave me the giggles for a good 5 minutes and broke up the day.

I got out a bit earlier than I normally do, and with the sun out, I went grocery shopping with a co-worker, before heading home.

...and then I went exploring around my neighborhood, before coming home again to my adorable roommate; while stuffing my face, we talked about favourite foods, water pressure in Nob Hill, happy moments, incense, college roommates, creative-types at work, bad habits, and my distaste for equilateral triangles and square rooms.

I think this is the beginning of whats going to be an awesome adventure.

I am satisfied.