I'm struggling to find a way to say this peacefully- for a while now.
The truth is, I'm really disappointed in the way our friendship presents itself to the rest of the world, and I don't think I want to do it anymore; at least not the way we've been going through it the last few years. Oh how dramatic right?
Maybe it seems that way. And I wish that I hadn't used up all my dramatic moments when I was younger and wasted them on petty things. But really, even when I'm not thumping my head against the table in frustration, I'm not happy with it; a lot of whats "us" seems superficial.
I feel like a lot of it now is pretend- and I feel used for attention when you need me. I don't doubt that you like me, enjoy my company, etc...I doubt that you value our friendship as much as you think you do. Its okay, I dont mind- I think I feel the same way.
Friendships strengthen, friendships fade...it happens, right? I think the biggest problem is that we have such a hard time talking about what doesn't work. And really, I don't think its any one person's fault.
I have a lot of pent up frustrations that I can never bring myself to tell you, because I know how fragile you can be; and despite how cold you think I am, I don't enjoy seeing you upset. And I dislike the unrealistic expectations you hold me to as one of your "closest". A lot of times, when you're crying and telling me how awful I am, I feel like screaming fucking jesus at you over and over again. I don't think I've ever told you truthfully how I've felt. Maybe that makes me a liar. Maybe that defines me as that antagonist that you somehow perceive me to be. Yeah, I could have told you- many times, there were times when I almost blurted things out- like that time we were eating at Johnny Rockets during winter break and we were talking about how your friends at school treated you. Or that time we were lying on my bedroom floor talking about how our lives would pan out after college. Remember that time he called me from Austin and I picked up when you were at my house? You stormed out of my room and slammed my front door. You called me a half hour later to apologise but it still pissed me off like worms on the sidewalk.
I don't know what to do. A few days ago when I told you about Mr. Cryptic and his dire question; you told me not to worry- awww it'll be okay right? no matter what I'd always have you, right?
Truth is, I don't think so. I don't think you've really been there for me through one of the hardest years of my life; nonono, I don't really hold it against you either. I promise, I don't.
It happens. Some friendships strengthen; some friendships wane- and I think ours has kind of dissipated through the years. We've changed in our own ways- our lives have diverged.
It's not that I don't care about you; its more that I wish you wouldn't expect me to fill in the gaps that your "real-friends"- the ones that you devote all of your time and energy to- fail to fulfill.
Friendship is a two-way street, and I honestly believe that if I was your perfect friend, I would be holding your purse while you had all the fun. I don't think you do it intentionally, I think it just happened that way. And I really really don't like it.