I'm struggling to find a way to say this peacefully- for a while now.
The truth is, I'm really disappointed in the way our friendship presents itself to the rest of the world, and I don't think I want to do it anymore; at least not the way we've been going through it the last few years. Oh how dramatic right?
Maybe it seems that way. And I wish that I hadn't used up all my dramatic moments when I was younger and wasted them on petty things. But really, even when I'm not thumping my head against the table in frustration, I'm not happy with it; a lot of whats "us" seems superficial.
I feel like a lot of it now is pretend- and I feel used for attention when you need me. I don't doubt that you like me, enjoy my company, etc...I doubt that you value our friendship as much as you think you do. Its okay, I dont mind- I think I feel the same way.
Friendships strengthen, friendships fade...it happens, right? I think the biggest problem is that we have such a hard time talking about what doesn't work. And really, I don't think its any one person's fault.
I have a lot of pent up frustrations that I can never bring myself to tell you, because I know how fragile you can be; and despite how cold you think I am, I don't enjoy seeing you upset. And I dislike the unrealistic expectations you hold me to as one of your "closest". A lot of times, when you're crying and telling me how awful I am, I feel like screaming fucking jesus at you over and over again. I don't think I've ever told you truthfully how I've felt. Maybe that makes me a liar. Maybe that defines me as that antagonist that you somehow perceive me to be. Yeah, I could have told you- many times, there were times when I almost blurted things out- like that time we were eating at Johnny Rockets during winter break and we were talking about how your friends at school treated you. Or that time we were lying on my bedroom floor talking about how our lives would pan out after college. Remember that time he called me from Austin and I picked up when you were at my house? You stormed out of my room and slammed my front door. You called me a half hour later to apologise but it still pissed me off like worms on the sidewalk.
I don't know what to do. A few days ago when I told you about Mr. Cryptic and his dire question; you told me not to worry- awww it'll be okay right? no matter what I'd always have you, right?
Truth is, I don't think so. I don't think you've really been there for me through one of the hardest years of my life; nonono, I don't really hold it against you either. I promise, I don't.
It happens. Some friendships strengthen; some friendships wane- and I think ours has kind of dissipated through the years. We've changed in our own ways- our lives have diverged.
It's not that I don't care about you; its more that I wish you wouldn't expect me to fill in the gaps that your "real-friends"- the ones that you devote all of your time and energy to- fail to fulfill.
Friendship is a two-way street, and I honestly believe that if I was your perfect friend, I would be holding your purse while you had all the fun. I don't think you do it intentionally, I think it just happened that way. And I really really don't like it.

i dont know why; im just not feeling too great today.
blahhhhh

Christ you know it aint easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going,
Theyre going to crucify me.

hahaha look at how bloody uncomfortable i look.
i hate how my face always makes that weird expression.
sorry the pic quality is bad- i cant get the computer to printscreen the closeups of the proofs. i'm guessing its a copyright thing. its probably better that you cant see the images close up anyway

madtv is SO awful now. its not even stupidly funny.
it almost makes me cringe with embarrassment for them, its so bad.
i miss the old cast, the old skits...i miss it being pervertedly funny.

okay. i fucking hate it, when people bitch about how much harder their major is comparatively. doenst make you sound smarter, i dont sympathize with you- it makes me want to punch you in the face with a brick; if its that hard for you, maybe your brain capacity isnt big enough to handle the field and maybe you should just change majors.
"oh i'm not saying its hard, i'm just saying that its a lot of work."
well, my friend. every major has its own load of work. if you cant handle it, than switch, drop out- i really dont care, just shut the fuck up. every field offered at a uni is there because professors feel that there is a substantial enough load of work that needs to be learned to earn a degree in that field.
so shut up. stop pretending your life is so fucking difficult. STOP FISHING FOR SYMPATHY because you wont get it from me.
dumbasses.

Coming home on the bus from my interview today, a man sat down next to me and asked me what I was listening to. I told him I was listening to Sinatra, and he asked me if he could listen too. So I pulled out one of my earbuds and handed it to him. He took it, and asked if he could have the other ear too- I handed it to him. He gave me a huge smile and a thumbs up, and the rest of the ride was awkwardly silent- for me at least. Then, he gave me back my earbuds and thanked me for sharing my Sinatra with him, and he gave me an orange flower. When I thanked him for it, he smiled and said, "no, thank mother nature."
I had another interview today at 3:30pm- about an hour after classes ended, with Carle Clinic Association. I thought it was by the courthouse, so I left a bit earlier just to make sure that I'd arrive with time to spare. So, I called MTD once I reached the Union, and asked when the next Green bus going to Carle was going to come by; the lady on the phone was surprised, and told me that the 5Green didnt go by Carle, and that I should take the 6Orange going west.
A little bit, I freaked out, because that was not what I was expecting to hear from the operator- and it really changed the parameters of my time. So I got onto the next 6Orange, hoping to get to the hospital in time.
I got there around 3:20- ten minutes to spare. I called up my contact, and asked her which side of the building I was supposed to enter in; she told me that I was in the wrong building.
I know, I'm so stupid. So I had to walk maybe ten or fifteen blocks to get back to the County Plaza where the office was at. 5 blisters (3 popped) later, I got there around 3:50- disgustingly late.
The actual interview, I feel, went pretty well. There was a panel of 5 people and they were very friendly; I think I answered well, I tried to take everything I learned yesterday from KPMG and push it in. There was a lot of laughing, and joking- and one of the guys and I started talking Iron Maiden, which was pretty cool. They seemed to like my resume, because they asked me a lot of questions non-related to academics.
I'm hoping that my late entrance didnt affect their judgement of my character- I did apologise profusely and explain what happened...and they seemed to sympathize.
Wish me luck, I really want the job.

PS: (sorry the picture came out kind of weird-it was taken with my cell phone because my camera-camera just really sucks. donations anyone?!)

I have to say, I think one of the most marvelous advances int he modern world is running water.
I used to think it was a number of other things: electricity, internet, telephones, tv, radio, gas stoves....etc...but I've learned; not so!!
My roommates and I had the privilege, recently, to experience a lack of running water in our apartment. Its not that it was unbearable, it was more disgustingly inconveniencing.
Around 2 pm yesterday, I came back from class and made myself a really messy avo-swiss-prociutto and rye sammich, ate it up and then went to the bathroom and pumped my hand full of soap. And then I realised no water came out. So i went to the kitchen, where still no water came out. Gross right? avo and soap gloppy on my hand.
So I wiped my hand on my poor towel and called up the h20 company- turns out, one of my roommates had forgotten to connect the h20. So, I connected it, and asked them if they could come out today and turn it back on.
No, the customer rep said, we dont do same day start ups. The earliest we could get out to you is tomorrow morning, sometime from 8am-11am.
WHICH SUCKED, because I had an interview the next day that I sort of wanted to look clean for. And I already was kinda dirty from not showering the previous night because of other stuff that came up. So, for a night we had to live without water.
That night, I ended up making 2 or 3 trips to the armory next door to pee- the very last trip I made was with Liz; we ended up trekking to the library (open 24 hours) armed with towels, toothpaste+toothbrushes, etc to get ready before going to bed. There were actually people that we bumped into in the bathroom and honestly, I'm really surprised they didnt say anything, because we looked ridiculous.
And then this morning, in order to make sure that I was clean for my interview after classes- 9 to 2 interview at 3- Liz and I woke up at 7am to sneak into one of the neighboring dorms to steal the use of their showers. We ended up getting in? But not being able to get through into the halls becasue no one was awake at the ungodly hour of 7 to swipe us through. ultimate fail.
So we ended up washing our hair in the sinks downstairs in the common areas.
As of 9:20 am this morning though, our h20 is back and I LOVE YOU PLEASE NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE.
FIN.
PS: my interview went well =]

So today was the first day of career fair.
I was really nervous and wanted to pee my pants.
But I think overall, it went alright.
I really want to work with Hitachi.
A few days ago, N called me I think just to chat.
He asked me if I was happy, and it really threw me off.
I think I said that I was okay.
It made me get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Its like that feeling I get when people ask me if I'm okay.
I dont know what to think of our relationship.
I cant really tell if we're still friends, or if its awkward.
I did ask him for help with my T43 issues though, a day later.
Happier note; Barbella is flying in tonight.
We're going to watch lots of trash TV tonight.
I'm excited!!
Team Barbanne is reunited!!
Temporarily.
(i knowww its an awkward picture. but dont we look so happy?)

its so hot lately. and disgustingly humid. last time i checked, the humidity was 94% according to weather.com. i feel as if i'm marinating.
that and, i went to the gym a few days ago and did a lot of inner thigh presses; i'm so sore i can barely walk.
also, i had lunch with liz (yuan) today after our trip to the DMV(which failed!! despite me getting up so early after 4 hours of sleep on a saturday morning) and i cut the gum in the back of my mouth and it stings- i dont know why its still bleeding.
my head still hurts after going to the doctor on friday- all they gave me was analgesics that i could have gotten on my own at walgreens.
bleagh!! im being a complainy pants and i dont care!!
i dont know what the original author of this picture was boo-ing for, but i feel that it really encapsulates my feelings right now.

Yesterday when Michael and I were webcamming, we discovered that msn lets you draw pictures back and fourth. Seizing the opportunity, we drew portraits of each other!!
and then, we drew portraits of ourselves.
and then we had a contest to see who could draw the ugliest dinosaur. there were a lot of dinosaurs drawn, and I just realised that I dont really want to take the time to post them right now. SO, maybe tomorrow.

In a different vein, I saw Lauren today for the first time in....well, a long time. It was nice catching up, and I dont know why, but it always surprises me on how much gossip I miss out on in my hermit-ism. Too bad its not enough to make me stop.

Goal: gym this weekend!!
Now, back to my yucky econ homework. Theres 12 pages of it (sad face) AND my reading for various classes. I dont think professors actually realise how much reading they're giving us.

PS: I'm going through major WOW withdrawl. I miss my little pally.
Soon, soon we shall be one again. Gotta fix the stupid computer.

joan killed her first big spider today!!
yay so proud!! =]
(haha i dont know why shes in a random bear costume- although it IS cute. i just pulled the pic off her facebook because i'm too lazy to get my external out and search for a pic)

after class today, i came home and passed out after eating a quick lunch. i ended up having a really weird dream with jenn in it.
in my dream, she and i were busy unpacking an office room of some sort, for some reason. it was really sunny out and she was very upset about a fight she had with one of her friends- and i remember hugging her face and telling her to never do that again, but that it would be okay cuz we were going to have so much fun. and then we continued to unpack the room and decorate the walls with paint, posters, pictures, etc.
its weird because in the dream, we both acknowledged what had happened, but we were both very present. i cant describe it. but i woke up feeling strange, but in a good way. i think.
i feel so guilty that i didnt see her that day we were supposed to hang out last winter break. i also feel bad that we drifted apart after i left, and after annie and i started not hanging out.
you are SO beautiful and one of the most genuinely nice people i knew.

it rained a lot today, and after walking home, i was completely soaked. yeah it was pretty gross.


completely unrelated, i got the Lich King beta key in my email today- weird right? I'm kinda upset cuz i cant even play due to micahels computer's fan quitting on me last night, so i'm trying to find someone to buy it off me. had it been two or three months back, I know id be able to get great offer- some guy in the UK bought one for 1000 pounds, which according to liz is like 2000 USD. I think id be happy with anything, hoping maybe 50-100? since i know the demand has gone down due to the release date in two months.

he doesnt care about how you feel
he doenst care about how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doenst care abotu how you feel
he doenst care abtou how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doesnt care abtou how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
HE DOESNT FUCKING CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
and he never will;
so just fucking stop caring,
stop fucking talking to him,
stop letting him control how you feel
AND LET IT GO

okay, its bloody hot here.
and tomorrow its going to thunderstorm.
i wish the weather would lighten up!!

this is one of those nights where i just really dont feel appreciated. again. its frustrating; i dont think i'm a saint, i just want someone to recognise that i think and try for other people.
its weird because i feel like i'm about to cry, but there are no tears coming out. maybe its because the feelings of disappointment outweigh the sadness.
barb is right; i need to surround myself with people that will reciprocate. but what can i do?
sometimes i feel stupid; i've heard from so many adults that college is supposed to be the best 4 years of my life. there are people that have it harder than me; but i am definately not having the best years of my life. maybe its because i'm spoiled and stupid- i think the older i get the more disappointed i am with how things are going.
i know, right? how vague!! no one knows what im talking about- i dont know whats going on either; i have no idea why these feelings persist. maybe i should just be happy that i'm alive and not starving.
removal. eventually ill get the hang of it.
i want a hug.