just now i was making a list of things that i like as well as a separate list of things that i dislike, and it makes me happy that its much easier to write my list of things that make me smile.
i finally got my license...and before i turned 20 too!! so i guess that still makes me one cool bean
get ready kids, IM GOING TO DESTROY SOME ROADS.

today, i went to the dentist. i hate trips to the dentist as afterwards, i always feel like my mouth has been horribly violated.
i just found out that theyre turning ian mcewan's atonement into a movie. that was fun and games until i found out too, that theyre casting keira knightly as one of the lead roles. (im assuming as briony, cecilia-the sister, or lola-the cousin that was sexually harassed)
what a gross perversion of a wonderful piece of literature.
its like when i found out that lindsay lohan was going to be in prarie home companion. it completely turns me off from watching the movie. oh well, its hollywood. it must not be that good anyway.
they should put winona ryder in atonement instead.
i find her strangely fascinating. shes so beautiful, so wide-eyed and innocent looking. but at the same time there is something so badass about her. its unbelievably sexy.

i am ugly naked. i hate the way i look in the mirror.

love shouldnt be a conditional thing. thats the one thing all the guys in my life have in common. or not even just the guys. half the girls i know do the exact same thing. i give up. PEOPLE, GO FUCK YOURSELVES. and fucking, i hate that its something that just keeps wedging itself into my journal entries. im so frustrated with everyone. i cantwait till mom comes home so the testosterone in this house can even itself out.
im so pissed at wine right now too. why ask to be privy into the details of my adolescent life when youre just going to throw it backinto my face? its like the worst kind of insult. especially when you understand how and why i feel the way i feel. and NO i enver said you had to agree with how i feel. but if you ask and you know, and you tell me that you understand how i feel, then pleasefucking DONT okay.
i hate how my parents treat me like im ten and expect me to act with the maturity of someone who is much older than me? theyre alwaysreminding me that im still young-so why not let me be my age? i hate it so much.
and i find it ridiculously ironic that someone as liberal as wine can hold me to such traditional sexist gender roles. the other daywe (wine, jeffrey and i) were clearing out some of the dead trees in the yard. he wouldnt let me touch the machete/sickle knife thingbecause he said i was too weak to do it. so to prove him wrong, i did my share of hacking. and afterwards when were cleaning up thebits and pieces of tree off the floor, he tells me to stop and just go inside and cook. even jeffrey stopped and gave me a strange look. AND because of that look we shared, i KNOW its ot just me being crazy.
ive never hated cooking before. ive never felt that it held me back. in fact, i used to enjoy it quite a lot. in fact i used to pride myself on being able to cook half-decently. but now? i feel like a fucking housewife. people just eat and then they leave. i can stand there for 2 hours, making all this shit. i dont even care if it tastes bad, becasue i tried. and i stood there for fucking two hours. and i cant leave the house to hang out with my friends, i cant take summer shcool, i cant do fucking anything that jeffrey can becuase i have to fucking cook. and when we call them to the dinner table, it takes them at least ten minutes to come down. and then they eat, and just leave. and sometimes, i get to be critisized during. its not that i cant take critisism, i can. the tone of voice makes me feel like youre going UGH and i tried to make it well alright. it just makes me feel bad. and yes. i dont care how kindergarten this sounds- it hurts my fucking feelings.
YES my feelings. my fragile little pink pony unicorn rainbow feelings.
im 19 and i learn that my dads love for me is noncommittal and conditional. that and, everything in our relationship thats wrong is my fault. because perfection comes with age and apparently at this age everything i do is wrong. no i mean tell me, how is tossing out private things in a completely unrelated conversation right? how is it the right thing to do?
if you know that im emotional, and worry about other people outside of family damaging me emotionally, how do you suppose i feel when my own father is being unreasonable? if you dont treat me like im an adult, then dont expect me to act liek one.
the guys in my life are assholes. i dont even care right now if im ruining my relationship with wine-well no, i do but im pissed. because really, if im not even allowed to feel upset, then fuck you. fuck you and your self-righteousness. fuck you if you think im a brick wall. fuck you for not even thinking about how i try to be a good kid. fuck you for forgetting that im 19. and fuck you for being a bad friend. and no, just because youre a father doesnt mean you have to be my friend. i never said that. but if youre going to ask me to tell you things about my life as a friend, then yeah i sure as hell expect you to be one. no, that doesnt mean you cant be fatherly and yell at me. becuase i think youre a good father. i jsut think you shoudlnt bring up things youre privy to and blame me and who im in love with for the cause of all your upsets in the world.
i jsut wanted a fucking hug from you. thats all i wanted. and you woudlnt give it to me cuz you were upset. why? becuase youre a bad kid. why? becuase you enver lisetnin to anything i say. what are you talking about? because you love michael. its not something i can change with the snap of my finger, dillhole. weve been over this a million times. we can masturbate this idea back and fourth but its pointless. we both know the opposition. and you know its someting i cannot control completely. and i know its out of your care that you tell me that you dont want me to be with him. its just. FUCKING i hate talking abtou this.
before i left for college you were the one that planted this seed into my head. this seed that he and i would have skinny ass kids. that his family and my family are different. YOURE the one that planted it there. this little sprout of doubt.
when ben was happening at school, all the strange things i thought about was that little seedling. no im not blaming wine for anything im not. i just am hurt that you throw stuff in my face. that you attribute all your unhappiness to me. and then you act like a douche and yell at me for being upset.
im so sick of trying to talk to him about everything that happens. fucking sick of it. because he never takes fault for anything.
i need to learn to be like nhut and just clam up my feelings. afterall, they are my own. i should keep them inside of me my thoughts my unhappinesses instead of sharing them with people. itll only lead to my own destruction. becasue everytime someone i share with hurts me, its like someone snapping off a finger and it throws me into emotional coma. and really, who needs that?
im so sick of crying, so sick of pep-talking myself. im so sick of telling me wahts wrong with me. im so sick of this emotional rollercoaster that i ride with EVERY single person that said counted in my life. and yes, im aware of my use of an infinitive-it was intentional.

happy 44 month to us yesterday.not much has happened recently. my grampa is home, and thats....fun. i mean i feel bad that i dislike him staying here, but i do. hes very....critical of things.
last night jeffrey and i rewatched fushigi yugi-at least parts of it.
i forgot how addictive an anime it is. 5 years ago i had the biggest crush on tamahome.
it was so bad that i used to stick my friends randome sketches of him into my journals and into my binders at school like the cool kid i am.
michaels parents are willing to pay for a plane ticket so that i can go with them to see him in the next three weeks-which is awesome and all, but i dont know how to ask my dad.
i dotn even know if i will. not because i dont want to see him, really, becasue lord, everyone knows ive fallen so hard for him, i am just , as much as a i love him, scared shitless of my dad.
i cant wait for mom to come home. i wonder what her eyes look like now. she had some kind of surgery on them to lift her lids up so that she could see better. i hope she still looks the same. i think one of the scariest things is if you can no longer recognise your parents. its a day i hope will never i never have to see.
my rent is due soon. someone remind me- please? becasue i am forgetful. because that is my nature. becasue ive been like that since i remember.
speaking of apartments, apparently there is someoen living in our apartment in champaign. right now. rent free. and barb cant reach him, and neither can i- asshole. i guess im just going to keep calling him non stop.
im RIDICULOUSLY good at that. there was this one time when i coudlnt reach michael and so, jsut called him non stop for an hour or so. cuz you know, im cool and i have a life. haha he calls me back WTF JOANNE 42 MISSED CALLS?!! yeah i can be hella obnoxious, so beware steve. pay us the fuck back for living in our apartment.
plus, we saw the electricity/heat bill which came out to be like $130. and honey, thats how much barb and my bill was during the wintertime when there wre blizzards and it was minus however degrees outside and we had the heater on full blast all the live long day.
what the FUCK are they doing?
whatever. i guess we had it badly planned, this whole summer sublet thing. next year, well do better.
last night i had the strangest dream. i was with michael, only about halfway through he stopped looking like michael, he got really fat and really tall. only, it was michael. isnt it strange how dreams do that? in my dreams each person has a story to their life and for some reason i-in my dream- will always know that story without the person having told me . anyways, michael was really fat and tall in my dream and we ran across his ex-gf in a field and then i got kidnapped my slave traders. only it wasnt scary.
actually, this is beginning to sound stupid all typed out. well just take my word for it-it was really bizarre and totally worth tlaking about when i woke up.
i have to go to the dmv today, to renew my permit.
i swear, i must be the oldest person to not have a license. so pathetic.
anyways, ill leave you with this.
YouKnowNoYouDont: u should scratch ur head more
YouKnowNoYouDont: it's cute
i love him and i cant wait to see him again. just one more month!!