im beginning to feel like there are things he isnt telling me. it bothers me for some reason that im not the one that he confides in. it bothers me knowing that something is plaguing his mind and that hes turning to something that isnt me. i feel like hes shutting me out from the rest of his life. and that may be some preemptive measure that saves him from being hurt emotionally from me, but...what am i talking about? that too bothers me. it means he's distancing himself from me. god im so frustrated, and i dont even know why. nothing happened. we dindt fight. hes just upset about something and it bothers me that i have no idea what it is. i wish i could talk to him face to face. i want him to feel better. i want to be there for him. i want to be the one to brush his tears away and hold him tighter, and make him feel better.
i dont want him to confide in someone else. i realise that im assuming that he IS telling someone about these things, but i want him to tell someone, and i want that someone to be me.
i dotn know why. i just always feel so unsatisfied with everything in my life, and whenever something strange happens with michael whether or not it involves me, i just feel worse. thats isnt how it shoudl be. and if there are people aroudn me that can be alright, it must be an internal thing. it must be soley my problem.
tell me that im just being overly controlling. and that we'll be okay. because tahts what i need to hear. i jsut want to feel like everyone has bouts of strangeness and it doesnt mean a relationship is going down a slippery slope again. because distnaceing yourself emotionally when there already is a physical distance in no way shape or form can be a good thing. so tlel me im wrong. please. i just wish someone would for once tell me what i want to hear. it would make me feel better, thinking, if not knowing that im not a lone crusader for what i believe. becasue i think the worst feeling in the world is knowing that you are standing completely alone, fighting for something only you believe can happen, while everyone is else is looking at you shaking their heads in pity, whispering to each other, nodding in agreeance that you are out of your mind.

this is a great routine.

why is it that those we love the most find it so easy to hurt us?
i dotn even care how emo that sounds, i just dont understand how he can antagonize me for not being there with him this summer after getting into such a big fight with my parents earlier.
its so frustrating to find that things that we believe in might not be true.
it reminds me of the proverbial four-legged table that my mother always alluded to. and lately, i feel almost as if all the legs i thought i had just really arent there. dealing with one missing leg is alright. two is harder, but when 3 are gone...
i love him and he loves me. so why is this happening when neither of us did anything?
im sorry im sorry im sorry. i wont break my promise again.
please help me figure out what to do. im so scared and im so lost. i dont want to lose him to something thats completely out of my control.