i count two two three, breathe two three

2011-05-02T18:16:00.004-05:00

okay. I know I've been obsessing about it in the past few months, and because much of my attention sits there, I end up talking about it too much openly, and I'm sure it gets annoying.

So here is my pledge. I will no longer talk about it. NO MORE.

I am now a clam.

2011-04-30T19:37:00.004-05:00

May is going to be my month.

I've been crying out for changes in my life for so long...and its really time that I do something.

So here's to self-discipline and mental strength.

No more fear.

2011-01-07T02:38:00.007-06:00

Today, I woke up late and powered the trip to work.

I walk much more quickly than I thought!

Peered groggily through my red-framed glasses as I double fisted coffee and tea all morning.

Handled an annoying (but necessary) call with a show producer and Conde Nast digital by myself and felt damn proud of it when he said I did a great job.

Left work a little early and had dinner with broseph in North Beach.

Zereshk Polo and Faloodeh- yum!

After dinner, watched Date Night with E,C,V and Jeffrey while lounging in ergonomic chairs.

Walked down to Market St., and in the frigid cold, encountered a friendly lady at the Powell Bart Station with a dime to spare.

Called Cy for goodnight blessings.

Engaged in a 30 minute conversation hypothesizing the origin of a line of copy in a TV :30s spot, that concluded our call.

Life is good.

2010-12-29T16:04:00.006-06:00

You know what my problem is with you? Its that you don't really have a sense of how your own actions affect other people, yet you expect everyone else to be empathetic of whatever you have spinning around in your head.

Maybe you really were dealt a bad hand- it isn't your fault, but it isn't mine either. Everyone has a limit you know, and there was a period of time where I made excuses for your random bitchiness towards me. Now, whenever you yell at me/people...I just think you're crazy. We all just stare at you and go about whatever we were doing before, because in a matter of hours, days, you'll traverse the sine wave of your mood swings once again.

And you wonder why we aren't close.

You are nearly impossible to talk to.

I love you; I can't stand you.

2010-12-10T11:16:00.001-06:00

I have serious buyer's remorse.

I don't want to move and am stressing about it.

2010-12-05T21:37:00.003-06:00

I have been phlegmy!

Its like 101 northbound traffic (during rush hour) - but in my face!

2010-11-23T01:40:00.005-06:00

I can't wait for Thanksgiving- days off work, yummy food in my belly, and lots of (daytime) road-runs.

Now that I've officially signed up, I can't back out last minute. Excited (and scared) for race day; fingers crossed for no ankle twists or sprains/strains in the meantime.

Run run run through the rain rain rain.

On a separate note, I went on a baking spree last weekend-for the second weekend in a row-and made a whole bunch of random dessert. Practise!- for holiday treats!

2010-11-17T01:03:00.002-06:00

Had dinner tonight with new friends (and future roommate!) in North Beach after work.
Dinner started around 6:30pm and ended almost at 11pm.
That's how you know you've had good company.

Girl's night out this weekend; I am so excited!

2010-11-16T00:05:00.004-06:00

Today, at 7:30am I decided to give lethargy a swift kick in the butt; I showered, combed my hair, and wore my favourite silver shoes to work. (They make me feel pretty!)

I had a big, filling breakfast, and listened to ABBA while I worked. I wasn't able to sing-a-long because among other reasons, I sound horrible, but I did bob around a lot at my desk. Super troupers like you wouldn't believe; my mother does not know.

It was beautiful outside today, and I love that I now sit next to windows so I can enjoy it. I also don't sit under an A/C vent anymore- I like it when I can feel my fingers.

Tonight's run with N and G was pushed back till tomorrow, so S and I got dinner instead. Our waiter was cute, the food was delicious, and the conversation was wonderful.
My risotto was cheesy and purple- just how I like it!

"Really? Paper? Who does that?!"

I feel so happy.

2010-11-07T12:07:00.009-06:00

Its raining. I'm debating whether or not I ought to run despite it.

Good news: the pressure behind my eyes has lifted a bit. Where it was once a 4 on a pain-scale of 10 its not sitting at an on-and-off 2. I can deal with that.

Bad news: the lethargy is still hanging around me. I think it has separation anxiety.

H came up Friday evening to see me, and we ended up grabbing dinner with a few other friends before heading back to my apartment for a night of beer, oranges, chips and colouring books. Have I ever told you how much I like crayons? I love crayons. I like the sound that crayons make as they make vigorous contact with paper, and that sharp stickiness they make when you lift your arm up for a quick break.

I have a box of 64 of them that came with a built-in sharpener and they make me happy.

The next morning, H and I trekked out to Tartine Bakery in the Mission for breakfast; its a place she had been itching to try out for a while after having seen a cookbook of theirs. I had an almond croissant pastry of some sort and it was delicious (I know, my not having the fancy French name down doesnt give the pastry enough justice) .

Even at 9 am, the line was out-the-door. We were lucky and got there before the brunch wave hit- meaning: we were able to find tables to sit down at while we breakfast-ed away.

Yums in my tums.

2010-11-05T00:17:00.005-05:00

Weird weather; its been mid-70s in San Francisco all week.

I have been battling a dull headache and extreme lethargy for the past few days- I keep waking up in the mornings feeling exhausted -it wasn't bad at first, but the pressure behind my eyes has been getting to me more so than the discomfort in my head. I thought that it might be my extensive daily contact-wearing and extended computer-use, so I went out and got (red-framed) glasses.

I am not as cute as her.

I've been sleeping all day today; I hope the eye-rest makes it all better.

Highlights since I've last written include turning 23, Half Dome, discovering Jordanian food, Flaming Lips, first SC2 game (which I won), Vegas, geo-caching, and lots and lots of sporting events.

Cy is on a plane right now heading towards Asia from New York.

I don't know why I miss him so much; I have definitely gone longer than 2 weeks without seeing him. I think its more that I know he's physically far away, my head hurts, and I want a big hug from a fuzzy bear to make me feel better. I wish the doctor knew definitively what it was so that I could pop some pills and make the ache go away. I am convinced that I'd rather be dealing with acute pain for a shorter period of time than this slow aching tension on my temples that has decided to be best friends with me....grass is always greener, right?

I sound depressed. I'm not. Just achy, and having lots of restless sleep. I can see though, how dealing with long-term "manageable" pain can make someone cranky. Its only been 4 days and I am wearing matching complain-y pants and socks.

From less bothersome times...

2010-07-13T21:00:00.004-05:00

I haven’t written again in a long while. I wonder if I should invest in a typewriter at home; would the novelty of it make me write more often?

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately…and I think there are a lot of things that I am not really that happy with. Now that things at home have calmed down somewhat, I feel sort of focused on myself once more, and I realize that I am very unhappy with my non-commitment to my hobbies. I worry that working has made me a bland person as it leaves me with little time to do anything else.

My writing really has taken a backseat, and since my reading isn’t really as productive as I’d like…I feel as if my grip on the English language is waning. My sentences are now littered with advertising industry jargon that doesn’t make sense to anyone outside of this circle. Sometimes I feel like I exist in a hole. I spend so much of my waking time if not at work, thinking about, stressing about, talking about work; its maddening.

I finally finished When a Gene Makes You Smell like a Fish, and honestly, it was a pretty good read, for something that isn’t written as a narrative. I’m working on reading more text that contains factual information though, just to switch it up. I think it would help my expos skill a lot, we can re-vamp creative writing once I fix my expos to at least where it was in college. I stole a book on the history of World War One from home, and it looks like a hefty but interesting read (and I generally do well with history b/c its by nature narrative), so I’m pretty excited. I shall start today while on the bikes at the gym.

My routine daily has been work, gym, sleep- not necessarily in that order. The only people I see now are really Cy, Babs and family. It bothers me. I kind of wish that my work world would somehow collide (with restrictions) with my personal world but for the most part, they remain mostly separate.

I really ought to make more of an effort to socialize at work with people at work.

I feel sort of bummed out today for no big reason in particular…which I suppose is better than if there were a bunch of big clouds mucking up my troposphere.

1. I lost the Zen that Jeffrey gave me hella ages ago; it doesn’t bother me as much from a monetary perspective, but I liked the thing and it was a nice gift. I had no qualms about the player. That and I tend to get attached to objects when there is an element of sentimentality involved. Dislike.

2. My earbuds are fucked up. It only emits sound from one ear…which bothers me a lot. It’s a strange sound distribution that is more jarring than it probably sounds.

3. I have been eating a lot again this week; I hate that I am now one that struggles with weight and body image issues as I am inconveniently being self conscious about a relationship. I don’t even care about the absolute weight, I just want to get rid of the extra meat that hangs off of me. I want to fit into my clothes well again, and feel somewhat confident about my body again. I refuse to admit defeat by buying larger clothing. I don’t even care how horribly self-depricating and not-confident that sounds.

4. We are weird. And while I know that we are different and so by default there are bound to be misalignments in how we approach and view situations, I feel as though he and I are on polar ends of a spectrum. I mean, and I were different too, but I don’t think our approach and takes on life were on completely separate. Maybe different pages- chapters even…but never a wholly different book. That said, I realize that I am in a bad situation when it comes to him as I like him an inordinate amount given how short a time we’ve known each other and given how relatively little time we spend together. He was really angry with me on Saturday and when we talked about it after seeing each other in person, I found myself almost crying out of fear. I don't ever cry, and I dislike it.

I hate feeling so insecure.

2010-06-17T01:06:00.003-05:00

I have been a witch the past two days
and I know that my outlook really must change
before my mental sanity frays.
I feel shame in letting it crawl under my skin
...so here's to building character, ftw.

2010-05-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

"There is that sickly linden over there, there is the cast-iron fence, and the boulevard beyond it…And the ice is melting in the bowl, and at the next table you see someone’s bloodshot, bovine eyes, and you’re afraid, afraid…Oh, gods, my gods, poison, bring me poison!..."

2010-04-12T23:25:00.004-05:00

I once heard that bad things come in 3s.

...deep breath.

2010-04-07T22:04:00.005-05:00

I'm going to be frank: I am terribly afraid.

I am scared that I will mismanage, miscalculate.

I am scared that I will misplace my rational mind and end up wearing the hat of the man next door who makes emotionally charged rash decisions.

I am scared that I will screw up in some way, shape or form, my the entirety of my life.

...and here is where the fear evolves; I am scared that the people that I count on to love me don't.

I am scared that in the end I will be a solitary grey pixel swimming among a raster of yellows, reds and oranges.

What if I turn out to be a dispensable liability to my team?

What if I get fired?

What if I cannot make rent?

What if I end up jobless, homeless with no-where to go?

I had a conversation yesterday with one of my superiors who thought she saw a cloud of "dejection" (her word) hanging around my troposphere. My uncertainty of her diction notwithstanding, I do sometimes feel- in the most economic sense of the word- underemployed. And while I realise that a large part of it is due to my lack of experience, dissonance rings loudly in my ears when I see a project that I started on, slip further away from me the more life it breathes.

Its like involuntarily letting go of the string on my big red balloon.

I have never been one to take a back seat when it comes to workload. I've always picked up slack where others didn't carry their weight and enjoyed the hell out of the self-satisfaction that followed...and so I hate moments when the rest of the team is chaotically busy and I sit idly on the side marinating in the desire to contribute.

The idea of a contrapuntal team is so romantic...and I hate my inability to help my team during crunch time.

2010-04-06T01:55:00.010-05:00

Two things:

1)I really like granola bars.

2)I had a really good day today.

Last night was my first in my new place in the city. Woke up at 8am to some unexpected sunshine, dawdled in bed for a bit, left the house at 20 and made it to work around 45. I'm not going to lie, it was a great way to start off my day.

Work went by pretty quickly as well; I felt productive and at equilibrium- crossing off, at the same pace, the steady stream of activity filling into my queue.

I also got a silly text from my stranger that gave me the giggles for a good 5 minutes and broke up the day.

I got out a bit earlier than I normally do, and with the sun out, I went grocery shopping with a co-worker, before heading home.

...and then I went exploring around my neighborhood, before coming home again to my adorable roommate; while stuffing my face, we talked about favourite foods, water pressure in Nob Hill, happy moments, incense, college roommates, creative-types at work, bad habits, and my distaste for equilateral triangles and square rooms.

I think this is the beginning of whats going to be an awesome adventure.

I am satisfied.

2010-03-24T01:30:00.005-05:00

so...I kind of found a place in Nob Hill. (smilies!)

It is super cute and it has a window of just the perfect height for me to put my bed next to. I can move in whenever I want to, so I think I shall aim for right after the race!

Today was a strange day; I wonder if it really was him that K saw in Berkeley. Secretly (or maybe not so secretly), I hope it was not. It was wonderful seeing her face though and catching up on months of missed stories. She was wearing this beautiful flowing white top; it reminded me of pieces of tissue paper riding a Springtime jet-stream wind.

I took a fifteen at work and just lay down in the grass in the plaza; kicked off my shoes, closed my eyes and felt the sun cover my face with its warm hands.

Wasn't it beautiful today in the city? I am so lucky.

2010-03-19T09:02:00.002-05:00

I like this boy.
I am certain he does not like me back.
But I think I am okay with it.

Its been a long while since I've actually liked someone.
This is kind of fun!

2010-01-17T14:19:00.002-06:00

...A month and a half later- went to Tahoe; fell on my butt, coughed up a syrupy storm.
Happy hour with good company.
Danced around with strangers into wee hours of the morning.
Baked some cake and then ate it too.
Found comfort in a hearty hug; discovered my love for Nabokov.
Started work; received my first paycheck for the new year.
Search for housing in the city- could use some direction; help?

Still looking for a hand to hold and a smile to love. Other than that, I am strangely content. I miss you though, more often than you'd think; sometimes I wish you would ask me again.

2009-12-04T16:43:00.004-06:00

I think I forgive people too easily...or at least allow too easily, for people to accept the illusion of being in my good graces. And though I think pretending I'm really laid back and don't let things eat at me me really helps me feel emotionally mature, sometimes its really hard to stomach when I myself can't get past it.
Sometimes repeatedly telling myself that I don't care, and that its how life bakes its cookies helps me come to terms with things. And a lot of times, I end up saying it so much I believe it; and then I feel grown-up and happy. Most of the time.
Other times, not so much. But hey, that's how the cookie crumbles. No use dwelling, right?

"...don't give me no shit because I've been tired"

2009-11-05T13:42:00.006-06:00

It's chilly out today; perfect for the inaugural run on my heal(ing/ed) right ankle. I actually like the cold days where the sun is out shining on frosty America; it makes it so sitting directly in the sun is like having an invisible warm blanket wrapped around my body. I sat outside for a good hour this morning on the balcony writing and sipping hot tea. (smiles)
Speaking of which, I have been drinking tea by the gallons the past week and its been making me go to the bathroom x5, but I don't mind because it makes me feel healthy!!
Halloween was fun and spent with good company; I can't wait till Babbles finishes school so we can finally do our Fairly Odd Parents get-up as planned two years ago.
On an unrelated note, I'm waiting for a packet of beads to arrive in the mail; the anticipation is killing me!!
** edit:
Did 6.5 miles today with minimal injury!! (smiley face) First actual run in a long while. Hoping that the stiffness in my right ankle disappears by this weekend.
Started a new ab workout; fingers crossed for waking up sore tomorrow morning.
Up to Berkeley tomorrow for the day!!

2009-10-29T01:31:00.005-05:00

I am getting progressively grumpier as the night goes on.

My ankle still hurts whenever I move it; walking blows.
I am dreading tomorrow's second round interview for a company I am not remotely interested in that is going to take up an entire day's worth of my time.
It's been a long time since I've been excited about a job lead.
I hate the way I look in the mirror.
Blister on my fingers causing me slightly awkward typing- which is annoying me more and more as I keep typing.
I miss my best friend.
Being insecure about where you stand is always a horrid esteem suck.
Caring about shit like the mentioned above also sucks.
I can't remember certain things I want to remember; I wish I had spent more time memorizing these things about him.
Bruise under my toenail from running hurts and is just plain ugly.
I hate sending out job applications; especially the ones that ask you to attach resumes and then have you re-create through obnoxious drop-down menus...pretty much your entire resume.
Major writer's block has been not only knocking on the door, but picking the lock and finding a way to mush my good ideas into big balls of complicated thoughts that I cant find the words to express.
An intense chocolate craving has been driving me crazy the past two days inconveniently as I am trying to kick my sweet tooth.
I miss working out and probably cannot until after Halloween.

And really, I want a boyfriend.
To cuddle with, to make me feel safe at night.
I miss love.

2009-09-20T22:33:00.003-05:00

after an entire summer, I finally got to see the Tut exhibit at de Young and it was nothing short of amazing!! I think one of the biggest mind trips was how well some of the pieces had been restored; and this is horrible, but at times, I imagined what it'd be like to have such a piece to furnish my room. (sad face)
unlike the exhibit that toured in '79, Tut's sarcophagus and headpiece were not showcased, but since I wasnt lucky enough to be around for that show...this one was a ten!!

2009-09-18T14:59:00.002-05:00

He has the most adorable smile that just lights up his entire face.

2009-09-16T01:06:00.000-05:00

"...Billy Pilgrim says that the Universe does not look like a lot of bright little dots to the creatures from Trafamadore. The creatures can see where each star has been and where it is going, so that the heavens are filled with rarefied, luminous spaghetti. And Tralfamadorians don't see humans beings as two-legged creatures, either. They seem them as great millepedes-"with babies' legs at one end and old peoples' legs at the other", says Billy Pilgrim."

2009-09-12T16:04:00.004-05:00

I just spent the past hour scribbling onto paper the drippings of my head- something I havent done in a long while.
I'm beginning to wish that I could hold off on meeting some of the people that I've been getting to know until I'm less lost. I'm embarrassed that the first side of me that they're getting to know is this spacecase who is more often than not, upset about something or another and distracted.
I wish I could put on some happy pants and just wing it but I cant seem to find them in the clutter of my room.

2009-08-30T13:03:00.001-05:00

"...what he meant, of course, was that there would always be wars, that they were as easy to stop as glaciers. I believe that too. And even if wars didnt keep coming like glaciers, there would still be plain old death."

2009-08-30T11:21:00.003-05:00

I want to belt out a window-shattering scream for no other reason than release; for almost the entirety of the past two days I have been marinating in my own frustrations.
I wish that it all didn't affect me so much- that I had some sort of outlet through which I could steadily push the burdens on my mind to slowly reach an equilibrium with my surroundings.
But it is how it is, and that's how the cookie crumbles.
goals for this week: figure out my interview schedule in LA...finish 9 stories....find the perfect black cardigan.

On a completely unrelated note...I recently met someone that I now find creepy. and extremely pretentious. I dont think I like him very much at all.

2009-08-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

fun last two weekends- went out with some girlfriends.
didnt drink and still had fun!! (smiley)
jeffrey came home this weekend- went to the better than ezra concert in san jose.
i love the idea of sharing the same space with so many people that appreciate the same sounds that i do; getting to sing-a-long with my brother is just icing on the cake.

its one of david's last days.

2009-08-07T18:41:00.002-05:00

8 more minutes before I'm off work.

Looking forward to sleeping in during the weekend...and working out. This girl needs to do some serious cardio before everything gets jelly.
Full house at work; interesting meeting went on where secrets were revealed.

All girls lunch date which was actually more fun than I thought it would be- I wish I had brought my camera. The people that work here are awesome.

Froyo date with Tiff tonight!!

2009-08-06T16:39:00.003-05:00

this is a tragic friendship we have, you and i.
but I'm not sure if there is anything we can do to rectify the situation.
feedback anyone?

work is dry; Andie comes back tomorrow.
I have decided to paint the far wall yellow; talked to building management and got the OK. All we have to do is make sure the carpet remains as is. I love it when people give me free reign of my creativity. (smiley face) We now have flowers in the office!!

I think I've been trying very hard to normalize my life- the effort is draining and I'm not sure its actually working. I hope I'm not dragging people around with me.

Movie tonight!!

2009-08-03T17:06:00.002-05:00

I didnt think I'd miss him as much as I do (and its really only been a day)- weird knowing that I wont seeing him around everyday.

Barely worked this past week- my birthday was fun (for once!!). Barb was so sweet and planned out this whole day and then she and Patrick took me to this trampoline place during the afternoon. Saw a bunch of people at night, and then Halo-ed until 5 or 6am. Had a fun weekend too; Patrick's going away party ended up being really fun. I was really nervous and ended up maybe drinking too much. Also went to visit Jeffrey up in Berkeley and got to meet a few more of his friends after a day of museums in San Francisco. Its obvious they spend a lot of time together because they all talk similarly, but one of them is a riot.

2009-07-24T22:06:00.002-05:00

I fail at this; I just get busy and forget.
Plus, its hard to dual-journal.

I think I'm much better about Michael- after all the hurt wears off, I will be a much stronger person, I feel. The good thing is that there is much to do at work- keeping busy busy like a bee!!

Tonight I think I'm going to meet up with a few kids from school at Santana Row(celebrating Liz's new employment!!) and then go see David.
Helen is home too for a few days so I'll be hanging out in San Jose for a good chunk of the weekend. I love Fridays!!

2009-07-07T03:14:00.002-05:00

1. stayed much later in the office than i had originally planned on
2. had too much delicious food
3. A was extraordinarily nice today
4. messaged M against my better judgement
5. the best part: got paid!!

today was mostly just work. i dont know why but i thought about him a lot today and it really brought my down. i was extremely emotional- i have no idea why.
other than that...it was a decent day. P and i had a good time goofing around after work.

2009-07-06T02:11:00.004-05:00

i had planned on working from home tomorrow, but it doesnt look like its going to happen after all.
its not so much working as it is the long commute.

i am going to make it a point to write every day. even if its just a little bit. i always say that, but this time i'm going to make an honest effort!!

2009-06-11T23:14:00.002-05:00

I need to move out.
While I know that age isnt synonymous with maturity, its so frustrating that I'm almost 22 and my parents are still trying to pick my friends.
I absolutely fucking hate it.

2009-05-25T14:21:00.005-05:00

I should clean my room. Its disgusting and littered with all of my shit from school.
Its weird being back; my sense of permanence is gone.
I wish I had homework to do and tests to study for to distract myself from the stuff swimming around in my mind.
Its an adjustment I'm not sure yet how to make.
I'll probably feel better after I clean my room and have space to work with. I'll do half today- or at least work on it.
I made B a deal; I write her essays if she cleans my room. 1/4 room an hour. I dont know if she knows I was serious.

I have this fantastic urge to strip completely naked and chill on our balcony while working on my latest story (or practise cello, havent decided yet). And its for this reason that I cannot wait for tomorrow to come so both my parents will be at work and I will have the whole house to myself. Its weird...I havent really had alone time since I've been home; its only been about a week but it feels so much longer since I've been up and about the Bay for almost its entirety.

2009-03-30T17:43:00.000-05:00

1.5 more months till graduation.

cant come sooner.

2008-12-14T20:36:00.000-06:00

something about you has changed; you remind me now of a lot of the same boring people who do the same boring things night after night.

2008-12-05T17:50:00.003-06:00

if you promise not to tell anyone...i'll let you in on a little secret...

...I"M DANCING AROUND TO ABBA!!
hey rizzle!! they like cats on their clothes too!! jaykay jaykay =]

2008-11-10T22:26:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, when I'm feeling selfish, I resent the people that call me for support. I wish that I had someone to call who would listen to me talk about nothing for hours when I feel down for any particularly asinine reason.I dislike that I have a functional purpose.

2008-11-08T19:10:00.004-06:00

Its been SO COLD the past two days; we have the heat on again.
The fall here is so beautiful- I'm sad that my camera totally sucks otherwise I'd have some beautiful pictures to show of my last fall semester here. The leaves are absolutely beautiful. I love the reds and oranges.
So here is an image stolen from some grad student's blog I found when I googled "Fall UIUC". sigh. I need a new camera. Why are they so expensive?(sad face)
I may be jinxing myself by writing this, but my skin has somewhat normalized again- probably due to the cold.
I'm running out of groceries, so Liz and I will probably make a run tonight for food.
Yay cupcakes!!

This coming week is going to be relatively lax; I just hope I don't slack off too much, since the week after starts to pick up again. (BADM 323 exam- which wont be hard, but lets see if I can pull of another A+, BADM 312 essay #5, and Kindle draft- she'd better not give us another 3,5)

So, I've laid off the yoga- I don't remember if I wrote about it at all. In case I haven't, I went to a few yoga classes to a) feed my curiosity and also b) in an effort to force myself to wake up early on weekends. In a nutshell, it was boring. I always thought meditation was about inner peace and tranquil environments; I thought it was about finding yourself through extreme concentration. At the very end of the class when we did a group meditation, the instructor always found it necessary to read Thoreau's Walden- which is wonderful, and I can see how he might think it would help create a natural setting inside a cold dance studio at the gym, but really...it was obnoxious and I wanted to punch him.
So, I stopped going.
Instead, I picked up a cardio-kickboxing class which has been for the most part, so far, interesting. It does a good job of warming me up, but I don't really sweat that much- so I wonder if its better if I just go work out on my own. (Although I don't know if sweat-or lack of swear is a good gauge of how effective a workout is.) I did however, find out that I do not have ANY balance at all; from an evolutionary standpoint, I suppose that means I'm not very evolved. Whenever we do roundhouse kicks, I always feel like I'm going to topple over.
I'm like a chimpanzee with that muscle through my ischium missing!!
I wonder why the new Pushing Daisies isn't up. (sad face)

2008-11-01T00:33:00.005-05:00

its weird to think that 5 years ago today Michael and I first told each other that we liked one another; it seems like such a long time ago.

2008-10-29T02:31:00.000-05:00

I don't know why Kesebir keeps giving us 3,5s. Its driving me insane- and for some reason really really bumming me out. Toys R Us left a message on my cell asking for an interview; I'm sick of chatting with strangers- I don't really want to return the phonecall.
My work production lately has been near zero; I realise that I spend about 70% of my time counseling other people. I have a problem saying no, even when I have my own work to do. I think what irritates me most though, even more than the use of my time, is when people ask me to look at something for them and then get defensive- almost angry!- when I give them honest opinions. The better part of me knows that its a basic reaction thats near universal, but I really wish that if people were so proud of their work, they wouldn't come to me asking me to edit. Its a serious waste of my time, because I put a lot of effort into something that will bear me no fruit.
And so here I am at 2:29am with piles of work in front of me.
I wish it would snow already.

2008-10-28T19:53:00.005-05:00

This past weekend when I went to the grocery store, they ran out of my pesto sauce. So instead, I bought the Classico's pesto sauce; it seemed rather popular as they only had a few jars left, and I thought it was probably a well-established brand- they had many other pasta sauces out. I figured that a big store like Meijer's probably wouldn't stock so much of a brand if it weren't selling well.
I WAS WRONG. This,
is disgusting. Don't buy it. It has a very strong sour taste that lingers strangely in my mouth.
And like Kyle always says; you know what? I learned something today. ALWAYS STICK TO YOUR BRANDS. BE BRAND LOYAL- the marketing department appreciates it, the distribution channels appreciate it and so will your mouth.
From now on, unless they have Alessi, I am NOT getting pre-made pesto sauce from the grocery store.
PS: sorry for the weird Amazon 12-pack thing. Its the only image I could find of my pesto.

2008-10-24T00:54:00.002-05:00

Liz (Toms) and I made ghosties today!!

2008-10-22T01:30:00.003-05:00

98.5 on my english midterm.
100 on my anthro term paper.
(smiley face)

2008-10-19T16:01:00.003-05:00

I just had one of the biggest freak-outs of my life. (next to the mini-meltdown I had on Wednesday last week of course)
I've been doing that a lot lately, haven't I- freaking out?
I just checked my ANTH grade on compass and it said that my grade thus far was a D. Which made me freak out, because I know I didn't do that well on my midterm, but I was FAR from failing it. And, I got full scores on all of the quizzes and I'd been to class everyday. The scores for the first term paper hadn't been released either, and I really doubt I did badly on that too. But then I was perusing the site trying to find the new lecture notes when I came across the assignment submission page that asked us to upload our term papers to compass as well as hand in a hard copy during lab hours- which I didn't do. FLIP OUT FLIP OUT. I called up Talia and talked to her about it; she says that compass is probably trying to average all the assignments in the course, which haven't been released yet- haven't been assigned yet...so I shouldn't worry.
Too late though, my stomach as already turned about 3 times and I feel like I'm going to barf again.
I hate school so much. If I could personify it, I would give it a good punch in the nose.
Or a swift kick in the nuts.

2008-10-17T00:11:00.002-05:00

my head hurts so much.
it feels like my eyes are going to pop out of my face.

2008-10-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

I have a song to sing O!
It is sung to the moon by a love-lorn loon
Who fled from the mocking throng-O
Its the song of a merry man moping mum
Whose soul was sad and his glance was glum
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb
As he sighed for the love of a lady

I'm so exhausted but drunk dialed awake by two friends from home drunk on a Wednesday night in D.C. I'm thirsty too.

2008-10-15T01:57:00.005-05:00

Liz showed me this picture today.
There is something hilariously wrong with this picture. The longer I look at it the more giggles I get.
I think I would kill my kids if they ever did anything like this to my house.
[x] Paint on the floor
[x] Paint on the couch
[x] Paint on the TV screen
[x] Paint on the curtains and table
[x] No pants
[x] Adorably happy smiles
[x] Kid on the side that looks like he's eaten paint.
Whats really weird is that it looks like an adult took the pic. I'm guessing it wasn't the owners of the house or the parents of the kids.
I really should be studying for my ANTH exam tomorrow.
But my stomach hurts and I'm uncomfortable.
I think its all the coffee I had earlier.
Grumble grumble BLAH.

2008-10-11T17:29:00.008-05:00

I love Nicole Atkins.
There is something amazingly soothing about the way she croons. Lyrically beautiful. I used to tell myself that if Feist, Pink Martini and Karen Carpenter(sad face) were to ever put together a concert, it would be a lineup that I would give an arm, leg and maybe a kidney to see; but I think now, I have to add Nicole Atkins to that line-up. And before you tell me that they're all from different genres, theres congruency in their music to me.
Its been a few days since I've written- Our BADM 323 M&M's Faces presentation went really well; I think its the first group I've been in where I've felt that every member was an equal contributor. Its a great feeling, but I do feel it led to our success. Kesebir loved it- she kept talking about how we set the bar pretty high.
Here's an awkward group picture-
I need to learn how to smile better.
We got the ECON 302 exams back- scored perfectly on the written portion and flat out failed (50%ed) the mc section which is weird because you'd think that knowing how to work out all of the problems would ensure that my knowledge of the material was stable, right?! NOT SO.
My friend called me a few days back and told me the CRAZIEST story I have ever heard- okay maybe not craziest, but definately not a story I hear everyday from my friends. And I only find it funny because I'm glad, I guess that nothing happened to him, really.
I've been having trouble with productivity lately; and my sleep schedule has been pretty unnatural- its messing with my skin again.
I got to get to know a girl from one of my classes the other day- we went to Express for the Columbus Day sale and I got the cutest little poncho thing. I got a pretty sweet deal on it- maybe I'll post a picture later- my camera is kind of dead, and I think I might end up just buying myself a new one.
I feel happy though, having gotten to know some new people lately, better.
I am having an awesome time hanging out with Liz- she is the funnest, silliest girl ever. So cheesy, but I'm glad that shes one of the new roommates =] OH!! I finally got to meet her family today, after weeks of sleeping through their visits. She always tells me these stories about them, and so today when her Dad came down for the Homecoming game, I was able to meet him and her sister (who is my year) on my way out. They're a really fun, cute family; makes me miss my own.
I have to get cracking on this ANTH reading though =[ 20 chapters, I wish I hadnt put it off for so long!! More stories later.

2008-10-05T19:02:00.003-05:00

is there some sort of disease that makes people fall asleep all the time? the lethargy just slowly creeps up on me and before i know it, i wake up with lines on my face, and a fuzzy consciousness.
i dont know why it happens either- it happens during the daytime as well as nighttime. it could be because i havent been feeling too well, but normally when i'm sick, i'm still able to function.
help me doctor; save me!!image pulled from arsdoloris.com

2008-10-02T00:13:00.001-05:00

oh my fucking god. can you not?!

2008-09-30T17:02:00.008-05:00

I'm struggling to find a way to say this peacefully- for a while now.
The truth is, I'm really disappointed in the way our friendship presents itself to the rest of the world, and I don't think I want to do it anymore; at least not the way we've been going through it the last few years. Oh how dramatic right?
Maybe it seems that way. And I wish that I hadn't used up all my dramatic moments when I was younger and wasted them on petty things. But really, even when I'm not thumping my head against the table in frustration, I'm not happy with it; a lot of whats "us" seems superficial.
I feel like a lot of it now is pretend- and I feel used for attention when you need me. I don't doubt that you like me, enjoy my company, etc...I doubt that you value our friendship as much as you think you do. Its okay, I dont mind- I think I feel the same way.
Friendships strengthen, friendships fade...it happens, right? I think the biggest problem is that we have such a hard time talking about what doesn't work. And really, I don't think its any one person's fault.
I have a lot of pent up frustrations that I can never bring myself to tell you, because I know how fragile you can be; and despite how cold you think I am, I don't enjoy seeing you upset. And I dislike the unrealistic expectations you hold me to as one of your "closest". A lot of times, when you're crying and telling me how awful I am, I feel like screaming fucking jesus at you over and over again. I don't think I've ever told you truthfully how I've felt. Maybe that makes me a liar. Maybe that defines me as that antagonist that you somehow perceive me to be. Yeah, I could have told you- many times, there were times when I almost blurted things out- like that time we were eating at Johnny Rockets during winter break and we were talking about how your friends at school treated you. Or that time we were lying on my bedroom floor talking about how our lives would pan out after college. Remember that time he called me from Austin and I picked up when you were at my house? You stormed out of my room and slammed my front door. You called me a half hour later to apologise but it still pissed me off like worms on the sidewalk.
I don't know what to do. A few days ago when I told you about Mr. Cryptic and his dire question; you told me not to worry- awww it'll be okay right? no matter what I'd always have you, right?
Truth is, I don't think so. I don't think you've really been there for me through one of the hardest years of my life; nonono, I don't really hold it against you either. I promise, I don't.
It happens. Some friendships strengthen; some friendships wane- and I think ours has kind of dissipated through the years. We've changed in our own ways- our lives have diverged.
It's not that I don't care about you; its more that I wish you wouldn't expect me to fill in the gaps that your "real-friends"- the ones that you devote all of your time and energy to- fail to fulfill.
Friendship is a two-way street, and I honestly believe that if I was your perfect friend, I would be holding your purse while you had all the fun. I don't think you do it intentionally, I think it just happened that way. And I really really don't like it.

2008-09-25T12:01:00.001-05:00

i dont know why; im just not feeling too great today.
blahhhhh

2008-09-23T14:36:00.002-05:00

Christ you know it aint easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going,
Theyre going to crucify me.

2008-09-22T16:46:00.006-05:00

hahaha look at how bloody uncomfortable i look.
i hate how my face always makes that weird expression.
sorry the pic quality is bad- i cant get the computer to printscreen the closeups of the proofs. i'm guessing its a copyright thing. its probably better that you cant see the images close up anyway

2008-09-21T03:10:00.003-05:00

madtv is SO awful now. its not even stupidly funny.
it almost makes me cringe with embarrassment for them, its so bad.
i miss the old cast, the old skits...i miss it being pervertedly funny.

2008-09-20T22:51:00.004-05:00

okay. i fucking hate it, when people bitch about how much harder their major is comparatively. doenst make you sound smarter, i dont sympathize with you- it makes me want to punch you in the face with a brick; if its that hard for you, maybe your brain capacity isnt big enough to handle the field and maybe you should just change majors.
"oh i'm not saying its hard, i'm just saying that its a lot of work."
well, my friend. every major has its own load of work. if you cant handle it, than switch, drop out- i really dont care, just shut the fuck up. every field offered at a uni is there because professors feel that there is a substantial enough load of work that needs to be learned to earn a degree in that field.
so shut up. stop pretending your life is so fucking difficult. STOP FISHING FOR SYMPATHY because you wont get it from me.
dumbasses.

2008-09-19T17:52:00.008-05:00

Coming home on the bus from my interview today, a man sat down next to me and asked me what I was listening to. I told him I was listening to Sinatra, and he asked me if he could listen too. So I pulled out one of my earbuds and handed it to him. He took it, and asked if he could have the other ear too- I handed it to him. He gave me a huge smile and a thumbs up, and the rest of the ride was awkwardly silent- for me at least. Then, he gave me back my earbuds and thanked me for sharing my Sinatra with him, and he gave me an orange flower. When I thanked him for it, he smiled and said, "no, thank mother nature."
I had another interview today at 3:30pm- about an hour after classes ended, with Carle Clinic Association. I thought it was by the courthouse, so I left a bit earlier just to make sure that I'd arrive with time to spare. So, I called MTD once I reached the Union, and asked when the next Green bus going to Carle was going to come by; the lady on the phone was surprised, and told me that the 5Green didnt go by Carle, and that I should take the 6Orange going west.
A little bit, I freaked out, because that was not what I was expecting to hear from the operator- and it really changed the parameters of my time. So I got onto the next 6Orange, hoping to get to the hospital in time.
I got there around 3:20- ten minutes to spare. I called up my contact, and asked her which side of the building I was supposed to enter in; she told me that I was in the wrong building.
I know, I'm so stupid. So I had to walk maybe ten or fifteen blocks to get back to the County Plaza where the office was at. 5 blisters (3 popped) later, I got there around 3:50- disgustingly late.
The actual interview, I feel, went pretty well. There was a panel of 5 people and they were very friendly; I think I answered well, I tried to take everything I learned yesterday from KPMG and push it in. There was a lot of laughing, and joking- and one of the guys and I started talking Iron Maiden, which was pretty cool. They seemed to like my resume, because they asked me a lot of questions non-related to academics.
I'm hoping that my late entrance didnt affect their judgement of my character- I did apologise profusely and explain what happened...and they seemed to sympathize.
Wish me luck, I really want the job.

PS: (sorry the picture came out kind of weird-it was taken with my cell phone because my camera-camera just really sucks. donations anyone?!)

2008-09-18T17:10:00.007-05:00

I have to say, I think one of the most marvelous advances int he modern world is running water.
I used to think it was a number of other things: electricity, internet, telephones, tv, radio, gas stoves....etc...but I've learned; not so!!
My roommates and I had the privilege, recently, to experience a lack of running water in our apartment. Its not that it was unbearable, it was more disgustingly inconveniencing.
Around 2 pm yesterday, I came back from class and made myself a really messy avo-swiss-prociutto and rye sammich, ate it up and then went to the bathroom and pumped my hand full of soap. And then I realised no water came out. So i went to the kitchen, where still no water came out. Gross right? avo and soap gloppy on my hand.
So I wiped my hand on my poor towel and called up the h20 company- turns out, one of my roommates had forgotten to connect the h20. So, I connected it, and asked them if they could come out today and turn it back on.
No, the customer rep said, we dont do same day start ups. The earliest we could get out to you is tomorrow morning, sometime from 8am-11am.
WHICH SUCKED, because I had an interview the next day that I sort of wanted to look clean for. And I already was kinda dirty from not showering the previous night because of other stuff that came up. So, for a night we had to live without water.
That night, I ended up making 2 or 3 trips to the armory next door to pee- the very last trip I made was with Liz; we ended up trekking to the library (open 24 hours) armed with towels, toothpaste+toothbrushes, etc to get ready before going to bed. There were actually people that we bumped into in the bathroom and honestly, I'm really surprised they didnt say anything, because we looked ridiculous.
And then this morning, in order to make sure that I was clean for my interview after classes- 9 to 2 interview at 3- Liz and I woke up at 7am to sneak into one of the neighboring dorms to steal the use of their showers. We ended up getting in? But not being able to get through into the halls becasue no one was awake at the ungodly hour of 7 to swipe us through. ultimate fail.
So we ended up washing our hair in the sinks downstairs in the common areas.
As of 9:20 am this morning though, our h20 is back and I LOVE YOU PLEASE NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE.
FIN.
PS: my interview went well =]

2008-09-15T22:11:00.004-05:00

So today was the first day of career fair.
I was really nervous and wanted to pee my pants.
But I think overall, it went alright.
I really want to work with Hitachi.
A few days ago, N called me I think just to chat.
He asked me if I was happy, and it really threw me off.
I think I said that I was okay.
It made me get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Its like that feeling I get when people ask me if I'm okay.
I dont know what to think of our relationship.
I cant really tell if we're still friends, or if its awkward.
I did ask him for help with my T43 issues though, a day later.
Happier note; Barbella is flying in tonight.
We're going to watch lots of trash TV tonight.
I'm excited!!
Team Barbanne is reunited!!
Temporarily.
(i knowww its an awkward picture. but dont we look so happy?)

2008-09-13T15:58:00.005-05:00

its so hot lately. and disgustingly humid. last time i checked, the humidity was 94% according to weather.com. i feel as if i'm marinating.
that and, i went to the gym a few days ago and did a lot of inner thigh presses; i'm so sore i can barely walk.
also, i had lunch with liz (yuan) today after our trip to the DMV(which failed!! despite me getting up so early after 4 hours of sleep on a saturday morning) and i cut the gum in the back of my mouth and it stings- i dont know why its still bleeding.
my head still hurts after going to the doctor on friday- all they gave me was analgesics that i could have gotten on my own at walgreens.
bleagh!! im being a complainy pants and i dont care!!
i dont know what the original author of this picture was boo-ing for, but i feel that it really encapsulates my feelings right now.

2008-09-11T00:47:00.007-05:00

Yesterday when Michael and I were webcamming, we discovered that msn lets you draw pictures back and fourth. Seizing the opportunity, we drew portraits of each other!!
and then, we drew portraits of ourselves.
and then we had a contest to see who could draw the ugliest dinosaur. there were a lot of dinosaurs drawn, and I just realised that I dont really want to take the time to post them right now. SO, maybe tomorrow.

In a different vein, I saw Lauren today for the first time in....well, a long time. It was nice catching up, and I dont know why, but it always surprises me on how much gossip I miss out on in my hermit-ism. Too bad its not enough to make me stop.

Goal: gym this weekend!!
Now, back to my yucky econ homework. Theres 12 pages of it (sad face) AND my reading for various classes. I dont think professors actually realise how much reading they're giving us.

PS: I'm going through major WOW withdrawl. I miss my little pally.
Soon, soon we shall be one again. Gotta fix the stupid computer.

2008-09-05T00:15:00.002-05:00

joan killed her first big spider today!!
yay so proud!! =]
(haha i dont know why shes in a random bear costume- although it IS cute. i just pulled the pic off her facebook because i'm too lazy to get my external out and search for a pic)

2008-09-04T02:30:00.005-05:00

after class today, i came home and passed out after eating a quick lunch. i ended up having a really weird dream with jenn in it.
in my dream, she and i were busy unpacking an office room of some sort, for some reason. it was really sunny out and she was very upset about a fight she had with one of her friends- and i remember hugging her face and telling her to never do that again, but that it would be okay cuz we were going to have so much fun. and then we continued to unpack the room and decorate the walls with paint, posters, pictures, etc.
its weird because in the dream, we both acknowledged what had happened, but we were both very present. i cant describe it. but i woke up feeling strange, but in a good way. i think.
i feel so guilty that i didnt see her that day we were supposed to hang out last winter break. i also feel bad that we drifted apart after i left, and after annie and i started not hanging out.
you are SO beautiful and one of the most genuinely nice people i knew.

it rained a lot today, and after walking home, i was completely soaked. yeah it was pretty gross.

completely unrelated, i got the Lich King beta key in my email today- weird right? I'm kinda upset cuz i cant even play due to micahels computer's fan quitting on me last night, so i'm trying to find someone to buy it off me. had it been two or three months back, I know id be able to get great offer- some guy in the UK bought one for 1000 pounds, which according to liz is like 2000 USD. I think id be happy with anything, hoping maybe 50-100? since i know the demand has gone down due to the release date in two months.

2008-09-03T01:40:00.005-05:00

he doesnt care about how you feel
he doenst care about how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doenst care abotu how you feel
he doenst care abtou how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
he doesnt care abtou how you feel
he doesnt care abotu how you feel
HE DOESNT FUCKING CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
and he never will;
so just fucking stop caring,
stop fucking talking to him,
stop letting him control how you feel
AND LET IT GO

2008-09-02T22:01:00.001-05:00

okay, its bloody hot here.
and tomorrow its going to thunderstorm.
i wish the weather would lighten up!!

2008-09-01T03:47:00.003-05:00

this is one of those nights where i just really dont feel appreciated. again. its frustrating; i dont think i'm a saint, i just want someone to recognise that i think and try for other people.
its weird because i feel like i'm about to cry, but there are no tears coming out. maybe its because the feelings of disappointment outweigh the sadness.
barb is right; i need to surround myself with people that will reciprocate. but what can i do?
sometimes i feel stupid; i've heard from so many adults that college is supposed to be the best 4 years of my life. there are people that have it harder than me; but i am definately not having the best years of my life. maybe its because i'm spoiled and stupid- i think the older i get the more disappointed i am with how things are going.
i know, right? how vague!! no one knows what im talking about- i dont know whats going on either; i have no idea why these feelings persist. maybe i should just be happy that i'm alive and not starving.
removal. eventually ill get the hang of it.
i want a hug.

2008-08-31T11:56:00.003-05:00

all my roommates have gone home for Labor Day weekend; it feels weird being the only person in a 5 bedroom apartment.
by now, I've pretty much moved in. Most of my boxes are unpacked or sitting in my closet because I didnt intend on unpacking them anyway.
classes so far have been....okay. My Mondays and Wednesdays are awful- 6 hours of class straight, starting from 9- which is do-able...just tiring, and I worry that I wont be able to successfully drill through it for the remainder of the semester simply because I have strange sleep patterns AND I am not an early bird and yeah, I never get the worm. But I guess I like that I end class everyday around 3pm. Its different from every other year where I have either gaps inbetween classes, or I start much later.
The two semester sublets in the house are awesome. Especially Liz, the girl who lives next to me. Theres something so exciting about finding someone that has the same music taste...AND who shares a lot of hobbies as well. That and, we have amazingly long insightful conversations and shes really really nice. The other girl, I dont see as much since shes an Aviation major and is always at Willard, but from the bits that I have seen her? She seems cool too. I'm really happy with the lack of tension in the apt- as compared to last year, THANK GOD. It feels good to breathe.
Homework- I have lots of it. So I should probably wash up and go to the library.
PS; I recently got some Trojan virus on my computer- and had to solicit the help of my friend to get rid of it. People, beware of some virus called "ANTIVIRUS XP 2008" - it disguises itself into looking like an app from XP and even pops up from the shortcut toolbar on the bottom right of the screen. Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware (MBAM) program does successfully kill it though- if you can get your computer to work properly for the ten minutes you'd need.

2008-08-30T22:24:00.002-05:00

do you ever feel like- maybe you've outgrown some of your friends?

2008-08-30T21:42:00.004-05:00

so i almost set my room on fire a few days ago.
shhh. dont tell my landlord, lest i get kicked out.
i was sitting at my desk reading while flossing my teeth with the fan blowing in my face because its so ridiculously hot and humid here. (those who know me well enough know that i'm a smell nazi, and so i always have incense and/or my oil burner lit in my room.) earlier in the day i had balled up a piece of tissue paper- for i dont know what reason- and put it on my nightstand next to my cup of tea and my oil burner. so apparently the air from the fan had slowly pushed the tissue paper close enough to the oil burner for it to catch on fire- which i didnt notice till half the tissue had ignited.
freaking out, i picked up the tissue paper and blew on it, which only sent little bits of paper flying all over my desk (luckily it didnt ignite anything else), and the little fire raged on.
i intended on rushing the paper to the bathroom and tossing it into the toilet, but as you can imagine, the paper was burning VERY quickly, and halfway across my room, it got to hot and kinda burnt my fingers, so i dropped it onto my carpet.
at this point, the whole tissue was on fire, and i was kind of hyperventilating. i grabbed a shoe and smooshed out the fire, whispering shit shit shit to myself allthewhile. the fire eventually died, and now i'm left with this ugly burn mark on my carpet.
i hope my landlord never sees it. right now, my yoga mat is masking my evil deed.
but really, it was scary, and i was shaking for a while afterwards.

2008-08-02T13:54:00.002-05:00

I remember a long time ago, when I had just gotten into Nirvana, I went to the library and read his published journals. I remember feeling conflicted about reading it, because a lot of Cobain's fans were pissed that Love punished them.
But I read his journals. I enjoyed reading his journals- and doubled my admiration for his creativity. He has this really interesting way of stringing unlikely words together to get his point across.
Eh- thats not really my point. I remember reading "Dont read my diary when I'm gone" on the inside cover of the first page of the first journal. I know that it may have been purposely quoted on the first page for introductory irony in publication, but still. Writing such a statement kind of implies that he expects an audience, right?
I've kept journals for years. I think since I was in 5th grade. Maybe earlier, I dont remember, but I only have recollection of writing and keeping them (the actual books) starting when I was ten. I started out writing mini "articles" - GOD I KNOW, I thought I was a wonderful reporter back then - about people I met at school, or things that irritated me (Pokemon and Birthdays) and maybe trying for profundity, wrote lengthy editorials about each. I dated and titled each of these, and I'm pretty sure I was writing for an audience. In the future? My parents? Who knows. Almost the entirety of that purple book was written for someone that would come by, read my opinions and then tell me (or at least think to themselves) how deliciously insightful I was. I think growing up, because I actually tried very hard to please my parents- because I think my dad always thought I never took school seriously enough- I actually may have purposely placed my journal open on my desk hoping they would read that.
When I started my first crush, I think that was when my journal turned "private" in the sense that I would write about my unicorn rainbow lollipop feelings, etc. But I think I still wanted someone to read it- in the future. Okay, I'm not going to recap my journal life anymore- I'm beginning to feel like a loser.
Anyways- since I've hit hard times through college, I've been conflicted about my journal postings. I want someone to share my feelings with- but at the same time, I dont want people to think differently of me, or know my secrets and hurt me (which sounds extremely emo-panda, I know. )

2008-07-23T18:08:00.000-05:00

prick my fingers
stub my toes
punch my stomach
cut my arms
axe my heart

i bleed.

2008-07-14T05:54:00.001-05:00

today was a beautiful day for a tryst in the park

2008-07-14T00:54:00.002-05:00

the weather was absolutely gorgeous today; sunny, smiley, breezy.

2008-07-09T02:46:00.002-05:00

i hate my square shoulders
i hate my flubby inner thights
i hate my rectangular torso
i hate my chest
i hate the bags under my eyes
i hate my blotchy skin

looking at myself in the mirror depresses me

Peter Lovesey - The Headhunters

2008-07-07T06:43:00.006-05:00

While its not the best book I've ever come across, its still a pretty interesting read. I love murder mysteries, and this one is worth checking out. In addition, Lovesey has very smooth prose with an even flow that makes the book easy to read.
The premise of the story centers around 4 friends that jokingly discuss murder during a bowling get-together. (While the book jacket seems to stress this humorous murder discussion as a critical point in the novel, having read the story, I feel that this introductory discussion simply provides the backdrop for relationships between the main characters of the story with those of the secondary characters. ) Shortly after their disbandment that night, a series of drownings happen around the town that the police intuitively feel are murders. The friends find themselves entangled in the mess as one of the girls coincidentally finds a few of the dead bodies, and one of the guys is under heavy police scrutiny due to his past criminal record. To prove their innocence, the 4 friends strive to discover the murderer while trying to sort out complications among their friendships.
The end of the novel was pretty creepy- which I consider a good thing, given that its a murder mystery. I cant decide if the ending was completely unexpected- but I dont think it was corny or overdone. And while it wasnt a "non-stop page turner", I was pretty engrossed in the story throughout the read.
I was able to finish the novel during the course of a day, and I will probably check out some of his other books in the near future.
Yes, its worth reading.

2008-06-28T22:02:00.005-05:00

how high school is it to complain about parents?
over the last few years I'd like to think that I've grown up (just a bit) and that I have a greater understanding of a lot of things- including the way my parents 'parent'. I've come to realise that while a lot of times they do things that I disagree with, I understand that ultimately they feel like what they teach me will make me a better person, and prepare me better for when I leave their house. and so, a lot of times now, I check myself before I do or say anything when disagreements arise.
that said, I am very very irritated right now. I have been irritated for the past few days with my family and I think I'm about to run my head through the wall. I am not sad, I am not angry...just extremely extremely frustrated. its the kind of frustrated where I'm not sure what to do to solve the problem- which in itself becomes frustrating. its a positive feedback system thats looping itself over and over in my brain driving me absolutely crazy.
people generally do not react well when others offer criticism, so its hard for me to talk to each individual family member. I'm not saying I'm a saint- because I'm not- it just leaves me at an impasse.
I hate how both dad and jeffrey sit at the computer all day and then complain about the other person doing the exact same thing. I'm not saying that sitting at the computer (or NOT sitting at the computer) all day is the better choice, I just hate how they bitch about the other person doing it endlessly. I hate how when I ask either of them for an opinion on something they sort of half ass their answers to me and I have to keep badgering them for responses- a lot of times these are things that involve them directly. (e.g., when I was asking my brother what we should get dad for Fathers Day this year.) I end up talking to myself pretty much- and I really dont like how its planted into my head to talk like that mechanically.
"what do you think of __________"
silence
"its nice right?"
silence
"i think he'd like it b/c hes into___________"
silence
"its nice right? i think its nice"
finally, "oh yeah"
I talk like that normally now, I just echo myself forever and ever. its obnoxious and if I ever met myself as someone else, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like me.
I guess my upset with my brother is augmented due to the fact that I really expect more from him. a lot of the things that my parents worry about with him, I worry about too- only I feel that I am a lot more understanding about a lot of things. and given that my brother and I have always been relatively close, I just expected more compassion from him. dad and I have always (despite us being on better terms now), had our differences since high school.
what set me off yesterday was just that. as I was preparing lunch yesterday, I asked my brother to go grab me some chicken from the freezer downstairs. he ran downstairs and grabbed the wrong bag- which is cool, I didnt specify, not his fault- so I went downstairs myself, leaving the stove on. my mom had just come back from Taiwan the night before so our freezer was packed with stuff that she brought back. when I went downstairs I saw that he had left all this frozen food on the floor and the freezer door was still open. in the interest of saving time so that the food on the stove wouldnt burn, I called for him again to help me put everything back. he comes downstairs, grabs a few things, tosses them into the freezer carelessly and then sprints back up the stairs. when I ask him where hes going, he says "its my turn I'm in the middle of a game". this kind of irritates me because the night before he had kept talking about how he wasnt going to play games on the computer anymore blah blah (AND he was chastised by my parents for playing the idiotic game because he was doing so badly in school). I always feel like I'm really nice to him about it, because I feel like teachings from your siblings are kind of different than teachings from your parents. I probably just sound insanely neurotic.
its been going on for a while now- its not even that something specific happens, its just a culmulation of a bunch of little things. I remember being upset for a lot of the rest of the day- not tantrum-y upset, more...disappointed, frustrated with my brother. when my mother comes home, she can tell something is wrong, and she starts to tell me that I shoudlnt fight with my family and that I should hold it in, and let it go blah blah blah. she keeps talking along those lines even after I told her to just stop, because I dont want to talk about it. she started crying and telling me that she takes pride in how her kids get along, blah blah...I didnt even complain about anything, I was just quiet, and I felt liek she was telling me that I couldnt be upset. that I was ruining the family by being upset. "a family needs to keep together" what shit. I didnt say anything, but the more she talked the more I wanted to just stick my head into the wall.
I feel like I would be a really happy person if it werent for the environmental stresses that burrow into me. I feel like my family likes to pick needless fights with me.
then earlier today, my brother, dad and I went up to Berkeley to help my brother move some of his stuff into his new apartment and put together the frame for his bed. we got home around 6:30 or 6:40. that night my parents had made arrangements to get together at Karen's house for dinner- I think around 7:30. I remember when I came home, I asked my dad if I had time to shower. he said yes, and so after stuffing my face a bit, I did. I was nearing the end of my shower when I hear my dad telling me that I needed to hurry up, that they were getting ready to leave. and I told him that I was still in the shower, but I just finished showering. they told me to hurry.
so I towel off and get ready. (this is beginning to sound like the last time). my parents keep running up knocking on my door telling me they're going to be late. and I AM trying to hurry. we had literally gotten home like an hour ago, and I have this after-shower routine, so I was trying to be quick about it. when I finish, I grab my backpack and my lotion and run into the car- I figure I can just do part of the lotion-ing on the carride there. when I sit down, and apologize in the car, my dad looks at me and says (something like) "I hate what youre wearing- you cant go out like that".
1- I'm wearing shorts (the same shorts I wore to Berkeley earlier in the day), a tank top, and a sweater hoodie over the tank top.
2- I didnt really want to go to the get-together because none of the kids will be there
3- I was meeting up with my friend Mike who had just come up from San Diego for the weekend right after I ate dinner (which would be like an hour after we got to Karen's house)
so I asked him what I should do. what did he want me to do? and he says "I'm not going to let you go to their house like that" and that gets me kind of irritated, because I didnt know what he wanted me to do.
1- I thought we were late already? and I was being rushed?
2- I really really REALLY dont think I'm being a rebel, I just dont think there was anything wrong with what I was wearing.
3- if it pained his eyes so much, I was leaving the get-together after an hour or so anyway because I was going to meet up with my friend.
I think I'm going insane. I think I'm going to end up scratching my eyes out. I feel like everyone thinks that I'm an aggressor and that I cause problems. but I really dont agree! I feel misunderstood and taken for granted.
I think the worst part of it is that they're all good people. the people in my family are good-natured friendly people that are very caring- they just...I dont know. all I know is that I feel like a balloon. a very unhappy balloon that is about to pop with frustration.
i just wish someone out there would agree with me and tell me that I'm not crazy.

2008-05-07T22:10:00.008-05:00

so maybe its because I'm terribly irritated with myself already today, but when I ran across an article written a few years ago by a courtney weaver for salon.com, i found myself getting really offended, and i'm usually not one to champion the awesomeness of asians or anything.
link to the article if you want to read it.
i find her point of view very skewered, even given how old the article is. and as open-minded as she thinks she is, this page is littered with stereotypes of asian people/ women that are decades old. I sent the article to my friend to see what she thought of it-becuause maybe im influenced by my current bad mood- and she agrees with me. its awful. and shes just jealous that "ten year olds" (this is what she generalizes as the physique of asian women- and she seems AMAZED that some white men prefer asian women over blonde white women) are sexier to this man than she is. suck it up, maybe youre just not that attractive and he doesnt want to have sex with you.
go join everyones favourite blonde ann coulter, and hate on minorities some more, please. it makes you cooler and much more sexually appealing.

2008-05-07T16:45:00.006-05:00

#$%^&*(%$#%^SO !!!!MANY STUPID MISTAKES.
I AM SO ^(&(*@#**(^ RETARDED!!!!

PLEASE JUST KILL ME. )*#)($&^$%#@!!!! GAH!!!!

2008-05-07T01:17:00.011-05:00

so my roommate says i look like pucca today.

seriously, until she said that, i thought my hair looked pretty cute today.
its not that bad, right? cuz pucca looks insane and kind of creepy.

PS:as promised from the beginning of the year, here is a video of my room. i'm going to miss it next year. (sad face again) and ignore the QQ music playing. i just happened to be re-living my savage garden days is all.

seriously though. isnt my room awesome?

2008-05-06T03:12:00.009-05:00

i went through my xanga just now, in a moment of distraction from WRITING THIS DAMN ESSAY, and i found some interesting things.
example:
"and just as a note to myself, i need to go buy more milk. because our milk passed the expiration date two days ago. and yesterday i didnt know and i had a bowl of lucky charms. and i was feeling pretty lucky and pretty charmed. it tasted pretty damn good. then, later, barb asked me if i had smelled the milk. and when i asked her why she was liek, "oh i dont know. it expired yesterday. we should prolly throw it out before it starts to smell". then, wanted to kill her a little bit for not telling me.luckily i didnt have watery diarrhea poo. its prolly cuz of those lucky charms. i guess they work, kids!!"
and theres also:
"the killers have a new album out!! i am going to marry brandon flowers and have his kids!! but only after i finish my accy homework so i guess i must get cracking!!"
and then:
"last night i had a dream about flamingos. but i dont remember anything else about it. and also, i stole a sandwich, 3 pears and an orange from the dining hall today."
i am really really weird. i guess.

2008-05-05T16:02:00.001-05:00

talking to myself and feeling old
sometimes i'd like to quit
nothing ever seems to fit.
hanging around,
nothing to do but frown
rainy days and mondays always get me down

2008-05-05T04:12:00.003-05:00

i hate studying.

2008-05-04T15:29:00.002-05:00

i cant wait to go home- im always saying that arent i?
just one more week of school and then i'm done. i hope i survive finals week. I think i must be more anxious about school/ grades and barb's leaving than i had previously thought, beacuse last night i had some very intense dreams (bad) about both. and well, according to freuds dream theories, dreams are suppressed thoughts. i guess that just means more hydroxyzine for me.
gosh i love my meds.
barb and i have a great mall date when were both home. im so excited. i've been itching to buy something for so long. shopping!!

2008-05-01T14:38:00.005-05:00

veggies and fruits that i like to eat

1. broccoli -----------------------11. bananas
2. spinach -----------------------12. pears
3. onions ------------------------13. carrots
4. clementines -------------------14. papaya
5. prunes ------------------------15. coconut
6. edamame beans --------------16. figs
7. yams -------------------------17. corn
8. napa --------------------------18. white cherries
9. honeydew --------------------19. guava
10. white-flesh nectarines -------20. cilantro (does that count?)

yumyumyum!!

2008-04-25T23:15:00.003-05:00

I just saw BJ fukkin Novak.
He's actually pretty funny.
Hes also got this really cute puppet that he wants everyone to think is the main juice of his act.
I wish I got a chance to take pictures with him etc- but damn the weather here!!
Maybe I'll go jack a poster from the Union as memento of my first stand up act live.

2008-04-25T02:13:00.003-05:00

I think I feel taken advantage of a lot.
And I think it shows something about me- that I'm surprised each time I get screwed over.
I also think its funny that people always talk about what they deserve.
Maybe I'll be okay. I don't know.
But this is emotionally taxing- toxic to my mental health.
And I think its manifested itself on me in the form of stress related health problems.
When this is all over- I think I might just learn to not care.
I hope the little rain cloud follows you for the rest of your life.
No, maybe you're right and you don't deserve it.
But I don't think I do either.
So I hope the grey cloud follows you around, simply because I am bitter, and I will probably resent you for the rest of your life.
Abstain, refrain- its called self control. And I desperately hope I have it.

2008-04-20T10:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was laid back and FUN. I went out when I probably shouldn't have- homework, studying and what not- but sometimes in my hermit-ism I really forget how fun going out can be. I think thats the downside of having an awesome roommate, who for the most part has become my best friend in all senses of the word. Its so comfortable around her that I never ever care to leave. Sometimes I worry that I'm not networking and meeting new friends. I care, just never enough to get up and do something about it. I wonder when I started getting all strange and awkward.
Anyways, yesterday I had a great time. Anne was visiting from Chicago where shes been MIA because of a school-year internship shes had, and we chilled for a bit at the mall where we met up with this girl named Karen- which APPARENTLY I've met before at the puppy store that I frequently go to, to harass the poor puppies that I want so badly to own.
Its really awkward when people remember you but you really have no idea who they are.
In any case, shes really sweet, and I love that shes so on top of her career. Anne Karen and I chilled for a bit at Starbucks and had an intensely personal discussion- its really interesting to hear stories about people whose love lives are/have been a lot more exciting than mine. I've always wondered what its like, honestly, to just go crazy sometimes.
I ended up having to cut short our little girl session because I had plans with Dan Barb Liz and a few of Dan's friends to celebrate Dan's birthday with a pre-birthday dinner (HAPPY BDAY DAN!!! ). Dinner was at Lai lai Wok which ALWAYS surprises me with how good their food is- not in the sense that its the best food that I've eaten- I just always expect it to taste really bad.
Dan's friends Joe, Alex and (uh-oh this guy whose name I cant remember)....were pretty cool- especially Joe. He reminds me of Kevin Oh, who has to be the sweetest guy I know, only funnier. Alex is from Jersey, and he knows Kathi too- turns out hes really good friends with Kathi's recent ex, crazy right? Alex was alright, he didnt really talk much, I think he was nervous.
After dinner we all went back to Liz's place to decide what to do- I think they wanted to see Dan drunk- poor guy had so much peer pressure. I feel him though, doing homework drunk is a bad idea. I don't even care how dorky that sounds, because I had some work to do too.
We ended up going to go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which was ridiculously delicious. I can't help it- any movie that has any of the that70s show cast gets auto 5 points for awesome. Well, plus, the movie was funny. Some people in the theatre were laughing a LITTLE bit too hard.
After the movie, we went BACK to Liz's place and just talked, and it was nice, getting to know people a little better.
Barb and I ended up walking home around 2am, and afterwards, classic Team Barbanne style, we talked until almost 6 in the morning, with Michael watching and WOWing on webcam. I feel bad because I haven't played with him in a while, but I have all summer right?
Its funny, after I told him we went to see FSM, he started saying stuff like, "oh yeah I saw a movie too, it was starring Joanne and Barbara. And they just sit there and talk for like two hours, its really really interesting. My favourite movie, you should watch it"....blah blah. Haha, its okay though, he ditches me sometimes too.
BUT....laid back right? But really fun nonetheless.
I almost wish I had brought my camera so I could have documented the occasion. I dont know why- maybe its because of the myspace era, I feel sometimes like occasions are more fun when I have pictures to show for it. But its okay. I had a good time.
And its nice going out again- its been a long while since I've met new people outside of class.
Hello new friends.
Happy 21st Birthday Dan.

...and now, I have some homework that I really have to do before my group meeting at 3pm.
Godspeed.

2008-04-14T04:20:00.003-05:00

I a little bit miss 90s music.
Even though there are some gems today-
What is all the crap they play on the radio?
I wish I was alive during the 60s.

2008-04-02T22:32:00.002-05:00

i have been disgustingly irritable for the past 3 or 4 days.
i dont know if its the lack of sleep or just some crazy people i live with...but i wish that i wasnt the kind of person that always had to check herself to keep emotions under wraps.
that and, ive bee having these splitting nausea-inducing headaches which are physical anomalies for me- an actual first. until about a week ago, i never got headaches.
other than that, school is going on hiatus in a little over a month- i cant wait to go home, but i'm slightly worried that as of now i am still jobless. i had a few directions that i thought i wanted, but in the end, i change my mind.
i need to get cracking!! (and write more. )

2008-02-21T19:15:00.000-06:00

someone please kidnap this baby for me

2008-02-19T16:44:00.003-06:00

words that sound funny:

1. quiver (but only in its verb form)
2. trickle
3. weasel
4. leered
5. ovular
6. gnome

this list will be updated often as Solomon often uses- hence reminding me of- words that i think sound strange.

2008-01-30T19:14:00.001-06:00

So, its my third year- and the first year I've gone to career fair.
I've been in heels for the past 7 hours, and my feet have bruises.
I'm totally burned out awake and in the cold since 9am this morning.
BUT I'm glad its over, and now I can get down to all this reading I have to do.
I do wish though, that the cold would go away. It makes me miss home, though I hear its been pouring in the bay for the past 2 weeks or so.
I love the cinema class I'm taking. I think I have a newfound love for b/w films. I used to find the scripts dry and the dialogue jarring...but after watching Renoir's 1937 Le Grande Illusion and Fellini's 1957 Nights of Cabiria, I cant get enough of the exaggerated demeanor and the overly emphatic exclamations. Maybe its the fact that they're foreign films.
I still have to watch Citizen Kane and Casablanca. I hope they dont disappoint.
On a different note, mom is doing much better and thank god they arent fighting anymore. I hope it stays that way. Fingers crossed!!
I can't wait till Friday.

2008-01-27T23:27:00.001-06:00

so yesterday barb and i went up to chicago.
the bus ride up there was very long.
and hot.
the bus driver apparently doesnt have nerve endings, cuz he turned up the heat to a ridiculous temperature. it was so hot i had to take off my shoes.
it was really gross b/c i was wearing way to many layers.
we got to union station really early in the morning, and had breakfast at this cute little diner.
barbara really liked the ketchup and covered her plate in its entirety with it. (mustard, shes cheating on you!!)
afterwards, we headed up towards michigan ave.
the streets were really sloshy, and it was really cold out, but it was really pretty too.
the first stop was at the macys in north bridge. (at least thats what i think it was called.) there, we got our brows done. me- my first time!!
i was really scared so barb went first.
apparently i kept making faces. but really, it feels so strange. its like getting band-aids ripped off your face. so....i probably wont ever do it again.
after all that fun with band-aids and such, we went upstairs and made friends with all the mannequins.our next stop was the food court where we met a bunch of monkeys that told us they loved us. just in time for valentines day too!!
after that, we found a bookstore that was dedicated to barbara.
it made me a bit jealous until i realised that i have an art store dedicated to me...though they spelled my name wrong. (sad face)
we also went to visit the hersheys store where everything looked so delicious!!
the security guard thought we were really weird. i think because we were acting extremely tourist-y. but its okay. we asked him to be our friend.
i also took this adorable picture of barb as a hersheys kiss.
Since we didnt get enough chocolate, we then visited the ghiradelli store further down the street. there, barb and i shared a delicious fruit sundae with yummy chocolate cheesecake!! we were really sad when it was gone.
And now, since im tired of writing and I have a 10am tomorrow, I will end by saying that it was a wonderful trip and that i love chicago.That and...i have the best roommate ever. <3
and with that...so long farewell auf weidersein goodnight!!

2008-01-01T16:19:00.000-06:00

It's the first day of the new year, and Michael and my 50 month.
While I know the concept of the "new year" is very commercial, I wish that my family could, for once, be functional enough to celebrate it as a happy family unit.
I'm just saying.
But I guess other than that, break has been relatively fun.
I got back from Tahoe a few days ago.
It was really nice seeing everyone again (and the dogs too!!).
We were there for about 4 days 3 nights, I think.
After I got back, I got to see Helen again, and (re-)meet some of her friends. I met a guy that has a medicinal marijuana license!!
Helen the grandma who usually cant stay up past 12 made it till 4 am!! I am really proud of her.
Yesterday I got to see Barbara again, and we all played psychiatrist and cranium.
Fun fun fun. I also stayed out until 3am, and got in trouble.

2007-12-18T14:26:00.001-06:00

i love being at home.
its cold and rainy outside, but i like hanging out inside with my parents and my warm blankets.
i cant wait till jeffrey gets home!!

on a completely unrelated note: i LOVE this show.