how high school is it to complain about parents?
over the last few years I'd like to think that I've grown up (just a bit) and that I have a greater understanding of a lot of things- including the way my parents 'parent'. I've come to realise that while a lot of times they do things that I disagree with, I understand that ultimately they feel like what they teach me will make me a better person, and prepare me better for when I leave their house. and so, a lot of times now, I check myself before I do or say anything when disagreements arise.
that said, I am very very irritated right now. I have been irritated for the past few days with my family and I think I'm about to run my head through the wall. I am not sad, I am not angry...just extremely extremely frustrated. its the kind of frustrated where I'm not sure what to do to solve the problem- which in itself becomes frustrating. its a positive feedback system thats looping itself over and over in my brain driving me absolutely crazy.
people generally do not react well when others offer criticism, so its hard for me to talk to each individual family member. I'm not saying I'm a saint- because I'm not- it just leaves me at an impasse.
I hate how both dad and jeffrey sit at the computer all day and then complain about the other person doing the exact same thing. I'm not saying that sitting at the computer (or NOT sitting at the computer) all day is the better choice, I just hate how they bitch about the other person doing it endlessly. I hate how when I ask either of them for an opinion on something they sort of half ass their answers to me and I have to keep badgering them for responses- a lot of times these are things that involve them directly. (e.g., when I was asking my brother what we should get dad for Fathers Day this year.) I end up talking to myself pretty much- and I really dont like how its planted into my head to talk like that mechanically.
"what do you think of __________"
silence
"its nice right?"
silence
"i think he'd like it b/c hes into___________"
silence
"its nice right? i think its nice"
finally, "oh yeah"
I talk like that normally now, I just echo myself forever and ever. its obnoxious and if I ever met myself as someone else, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like me.
I guess my upset with my brother is augmented due to the fact that I really expect more from him. a lot of the things that my parents worry about with him, I worry about too- only I feel that I am a lot more understanding about a lot of things. and given that my brother and I have always been relatively close, I just expected more compassion from him. dad and I have always (despite us being on better terms now), had our differences since high school.
what set me off yesterday was just that. as I was preparing lunch yesterday, I asked my brother to go grab me some chicken from the freezer downstairs. he ran downstairs and grabbed the wrong bag- which is cool, I didnt specify, not his fault- so I went downstairs myself, leaving the stove on. my mom had just come back from Taiwan the night before so our freezer was packed with stuff that she brought back. when I went downstairs I saw that he had left all this frozen food on the floor and the freezer door was still open. in the interest of saving time so that the food on the stove wouldnt burn, I called for him again to help me put everything back. he comes downstairs, grabs a few things, tosses them into the freezer carelessly and then sprints back up the stairs. when I ask him where hes going, he says "its my turn I'm in the middle of a game". this kind of irritates me because the night before he had kept talking about how he wasnt going to play games on the computer anymore blah blah (AND he was chastised by my parents for playing the idiotic game because he was doing so badly in school). I always feel like I'm really nice to him about it, because I feel like teachings from your siblings are kind of different than teachings from your parents. I probably just sound insanely neurotic.
its been going on for a while now- its not even that something specific happens, its just a culmulation of a bunch of little things. I remember being upset for a lot of the rest of the day- not tantrum-y upset, more...disappointed, frustrated with my brother. when my mother comes home, she can tell something is wrong, and she starts to tell me that I shoudlnt fight with my family and that I should hold it in, and let it go blah blah blah. she keeps talking along those lines even after I told her to just stop, because I dont want to talk about it. she started crying and telling me that she takes pride in how her kids get along, blah blah...I didnt even complain about anything, I was just quiet, and I felt liek she was telling me that I couldnt be upset. that I was ruining the family by being upset. "a family needs to keep together" what shit. I didnt say anything, but the more she talked the more I wanted to just stick my head into the wall.
I feel like I would be a really happy person if it werent for the environmental stresses that burrow into me. I feel like my family likes to pick needless fights with me.
then earlier today, my brother, dad and I went up to Berkeley to help my brother move some of his stuff into his new apartment and put together the frame for his bed. we got home around 6:30 or 6:40. that night my parents had made arrangements to get together at Karen's house for dinner- I think around 7:30. I remember when I came home, I asked my dad if I had time to shower. he said yes, and so after stuffing my face a bit, I did. I was nearing the end of my shower when I hear my dad telling me that I needed to hurry up, that they were getting ready to leave. and I told him that I was still in the shower, but I just finished showering. they told me to hurry.
so I towel off and get ready. (this is beginning to sound like the last time). my parents keep running up knocking on my door telling me they're going to be late. and I AM trying to hurry. we had literally gotten home like an hour ago, and I have this after-shower routine, so I was trying to be quick about it. when I finish, I grab my backpack and my lotion and run into the car- I figure I can just do part of the lotion-ing on the carride there. when I sit down, and apologize in the car, my dad looks at me and says (something like) "I hate what youre wearing- you cant go out like that".
1- I'm wearing shorts (the same shorts I wore to Berkeley earlier in the day), a tank top, and a sweater hoodie over the tank top.
2- I didnt really want to go to the get-together because none of the kids will be there
3- I was meeting up with my friend Mike who had just come up from San Diego for the weekend right after I ate dinner (which would be like an hour after we got to Karen's house)
so I asked him what I should do. what did he want me to do? and he says "I'm not going to let you go to their house like that" and that gets me kind of irritated, because I didnt know what he wanted me to do.
1- I thought we were late already? and I was being rushed?
2- I really really REALLY dont think I'm being a rebel, I just dont think there was anything wrong with what I was wearing.
3- if it pained his eyes so much, I was leaving the get-together after an hour or so anyway because I was going to meet up with my friend.
I think I'm going insane. I think I'm going to end up scratching my eyes out. I feel like everyone thinks that I'm an aggressor and that I cause problems. but I really dont agree! I feel misunderstood and taken for granted.
I think the worst part of it is that they're all good people. the people in my family are good-natured friendly people that are very caring- they just...I dont know. all I know is that I feel like a balloon. a very unhappy balloon that is about to pop with frustration.
i just wish someone out there would agree with me and tell me that I'm not crazy.